20181213, Thursday

The week with my family went so fast. However, I truly appreciate their visit and am full of positive energy again.

After their leaving, I took again the embroidery work, and it happened....

I was working with new flower embroidery, and Aitor arrived from work. He asked me to try on new clothes which delivered in the morning, to see how it fit me. After some minutes, I realized that I left the needles and threads on the desk, and when I came back Mandú and Dubu was playing with them, and there was one needle missing.

I hoped to find it on the floor but wasn't so lucky... although we were not sure that Mandú ate it, we tried to contact the vet to consult what to do, and he was not available. We found some info on Internet that people say we must give Mandú white asparragoes, which could protect his stomach from the needle until we bring him to the vet the next morning.

So, I tortured the poor cat feeding the whole bottle of white asparragoes (of course he hated it) hoping that he did not swallow the needle, and today morning, as soon as the vet opened the clinic I made a call. He sent me to the another clinic near Barceloneta market to take a X-ray and see if he really ate the needle.

And.. yes, he did it. It was inside his stomach, but fortunately did not go further thanks to the asparragoes fibres which surrounded it and hold it still. They recommended me a small operation to take it off, and after a while thinking what to do, I decided to go with it. They took Mandú and I came back, and finished the embroidery waiting for the news.

Finally, the vet sent me a message that everything went well and Mandú is taking a rest, and I could pick him up at 19:00 pm.

Thanks world! Although it costs me a lot of money, at least I am happy to know that my cat is now safe.

So, this is the embroidery that costs me 600 euros.

20180929, Thursday

I am so existed. In 2 hours, my mom and brother will arrive to Barcelona.

It has been 2 years since I saw her for the last time (last year I could only invite my little brother who never had been to Spain and he was having a hard time), I could not sleep at all last night.

It will be a great 8 days with them, it is a pity that my Aita (my stepfather who raised us) could not come together this time.

I am baking a welcoming pound cake since both of them really like my baking, despite of the fact that I am really bad at. However, baking cakes for my beloved family always makes me so happy and full of gratitude, so hopefully it comes out okay.

It looks that also Mandú (my 1st cat) is exited, too. He is with me all the morning, watching how I prepare for my family's visiting.

20181128, Wednesday

Here is the footage of my recent works.

20180919, Wednesday

It has been now 3 weeks since I took the official sick-leave. Still have 3 more weeks to think about what to do in the closest future.

I've finally learnt that it is not a clever move to believe someone's goodwill when you are in a crisis. They only care their own benefits and no-one will remember how you helped them and suffered to do that. No one takes care about your injuries when you sacrifice yourself for the others, they only see it as another chance to take advantage of your goodness and manipulate your brain, and make you think that you have done it wrong so you deserve this pain.

When I realized it I felt so lonely, so alone in this world. There was no margin in my head to think about my family, friends who really love me and care about me, all the pain I had to bear just blinded my mind and I was only focused on how the others hurt me and it hurt so much, I wanted to finish it.

I was a fool. I should've ask for help as soon as this started. The false belief that I was strong enough to handle my crisis and the surroundings, made the situation worse, all the decisions I took pushed me in a black hole without exit.

When I screamed for a help with my last breath, he took my hand, his family, and mine, too. My friends who I didn't want to bother with my personal crisis, offers me to help. I was not alone, I was too busy by unimportant things and by people who do not consider me as a another human being to respect, to see with a clear mind what I actually got here.

I learnt after 32 years, that if you are suffering by people who does not love you, there is no need to cry about it. Just ignore them. It is only important the voice of people who love you, worry about you, care how you feel and who will fight with you. There are millions and millions people on the earth and you do not even exist for them. So, do not let your soul wander because some valueless voice tells you that you are wrong. Be strong, be wise. I can overcome anything.

20180613, Wednesday

Finally I am seeing the end of this work. I started this 4 months ago, with the idea that it would help me calm down.

It works, and it does not work. Every stitch is a single memory of everything.

So I think about all, at the same time trying not to think about anything. This continuous and endless fight inside me creates more tenacious work here.

When the flowers are in full bloom and the moon is risen I may have a inner peace.

Bloom me.


Updates.
Here is the finished embroidery work.

20180611, Monday

Today I deleted my Facebook account, undone the deletion twice, and finally deactivated it instead of eliminating it permanently. So indecisive I am even with a matter of a simple social media account.

It's been a long and hard day, I kept looking my mobile phone screen and there was no single message. After few awkward meetings with my new boss, who used to be a friend but now became quite uncomfortable and only business-related relationship after the most egoistic decision he made, I was literally knackered, because my mind is full of hatred against their justification, their mean words - everything is okay because they are being honest with their feelings. I totally disagree. Many of the cases, being honest with your feelings causes injury on the other side. Being honest only with your feelings means that you do not care what I would feel after knowing yours or do not even care if I wanted to know or not.

It gets harder and harder to keep myself sane. My soul is made of so fragile material and so many cracks it has, despite of all effort to be positive and see things as they are, not from my dark perception, I am on the edge of my limit.

The month of May reminded me the first time I was touched by a guy I never wanted. Also the guy who was obsessed with the idea that I would be his and did not want me to live. Also, the guy who never learnt how to love the other and was always drunk and violent. I remembered harming myself in a dark room. I remember the face of my friend Gom, crying and holding my hand full with cut wounds, trying to cover them with character band-aid. I remember going up to the rooftop wishing if I had enough courage to jump into the eternal sleep. I remember remembering my mother's and my brother's sad face and being scattered on the rooftop floor. 

I thought it was all over, that I was in a safe place and I was strong enough to overcome what happened in my poor 20's, and it would never repeat.

Last month, after a disgusting voice mail from an anonymous (now no longer anonymous but I can't do anything) human being, and after my ex-friend/colleague who still have a family with children declared his feeling against me, and even after one of the most trusted  friend tried to touch me and in some way he achieved his goal because I was so relaxed and drunken since never expected this would happen, I fell again into the pit where I used to spend time in darkness.

Did not give all details to you because I did not want you suffer and I was also too afraid that you'd accuse me for what I did not do anything wrong. We were already had enough issues between us so I did not want to turn this into a big fire. Did I do the right thing? Now you do not understand me why I suffer so much and the fire is getting bigger it desperates us.

Meanwhile, the group of hienas are trying to bite me, saying that I provoked and played with their feelings, and I am a bad person so I must admit it, when the only thing I did was BEING MYSELF. So easy to turn themselves into a victim in a sudden way when they are the one who stabbed and still have the knife with my warm blood on both hands.

I do not feel well, I feel like leaving to a place where no one knows me and just disappear. This world sucks, people are the worst, I am so lost.

20180610, Sunday

I keep wondering what would have happened if my grandma is still alive. We would be probably not so close as we are right now. Strange story, she does not belong to this world and I could feel her everywhere as if she became a part of my soul.

Buddhism is one of the heritage she left me when she passed away. I never thought about it in my 24-years-old life (it is already 7 years ago) and when I faced her sudden death that no one from my family was prepared for, I tried so hard to find connection between us, and realized that there was any.

That was the moment I choosed her religion, so we would be connected in any ways and keep her memories alive.

Today I though a lot about her, what would she tell if she sees me. She, despite I never visited her except by the obligation until she got Alzheimer in her 90's, knew me very well. At least, that was the feeling I got. She knew that I was not made to be tied in a small country and persuaded my mother to let me fly away. Who would ever know, she was in her 90's, with Alzheimer and cancer, but had more clear mind than anyone.

Her picture is always on my neck, she keeps me alive, she makes me feel protected. After her death, she became the light on my path. So ironic, we never had a decent conversation while we were there, but after her death, we became best friend.

I would like to know, what would have happened if she had been here next to me. I miss her lullaby with the soft patting on the stomach. I miss her reading scriptures in clumsy way. I miss her white hair and her summer hats. I miss her small room with tidy closet. I miss being free and alive as she wanted me to be.