Physically, but not mentally busy days

Since the internship started, I'm in happy days. Busy life makes me feel that I'm someone worth and totally alive, it makes me be proud of being myself. When it started, I arrived home dead tired. Now I'm used to this, and take the free time to read books, to take a walk along the river or to climb a mountain.. my life is better and rich in affluent circumstances.

I wake up 6 O'clock every morning, have breakfast watching TVE morning news (the only sad part of this routine is I'm not allowed to drink coffee because I got psoriasis, and it gets worse if I drink sth with caffeine) then take a train to the hotel. Comparing with the old days before the internship, despite of waking up earlier, I'm not as busy as those days. Cuz the only thing I do is working at the hotel! Beside it's not hard at all for me, as I wanted so hard to be a receptionist. All the thing I do at my work are the overflowing joy. Even the clients who act so rude, because it's also a part of my job.

And every moment, every minute and second, I wish I could work here as a regular job employee, not a trainee. But it doesn't mean I'm not satisfied because I'm only a trainee, it means this is ideal job for me. Having my age, I've had a plenty of and various kind of jobs which the others in my age couldn't afford to do. I always did my best, but not that happy as I am now. When I worked as a private school teacher, I loved what I do and tried to do all the thing I could, at the same time, I was stressful enough owing to the heavy work that I got to handle in, and by all the late night calls after coming home, from the parents who wondered if their kid was the best one in its class or not, if not, why.

Anyway, I don't even complaining about what I'm doing, there isn't any. Or better said, for the moment. Recently I watched the movie 'Three Idiots', and thought while I was watching, about what the movie wanted to say. If you do what you love to, the money follows. Is that true? This is almost the first time that I work without thinking of money. Only I need this, to feel alive, to feel that I'm needed by others, to justify my being in this society... and I love this job. How lucky I am. I'm doing what I love to!

Maybe better having Anorexia??

In these days, I'm busy enough due to the internship which I'm doing in the hotel, because it's the biggist and busiest hotel in the whole city. There are so many things to learn and to practice, so when I arrive home I'm usually in a status that I'm not able to do anything. The work makes me so happy, when I'm at work, nothing can interrupt my happiness, I even think that I was born to work at an hotel.

The only sad part of this happy life is, I'm losing the evening time of my day. About 8 or 9 O'Clock, I'm already falling asleep. In addition, I don't even wake up until the alarm bells in the morning. Instead, I have more weird dreams than usual.

The last night one was the weirdest in the latest. Maybe I should write this post on "Huella de los Sueños" but I don't feel like draw something about the dream I had last night, cuz', it could be a nice one, but as I remember now, it was a sad one. Every time I wake up after dreaming something not so nice to remember, I try to get rid of it from my head. But this one I couldn't. I could even remember the every single word that we had on my dremas, the touch, the circumstance, as if I had really experienced it in the real life. And it drove me crazy, because it took so hard to get back to the real world.

Possibly I analyse so much about myself that I can't take a rest as I want. Or I miss so much about what I couldn't have or what I had to leave that I dream so frequently about them. And the truth is, I really miss them. I'm improving my lot, at the same time, I'm escaping from my karma. I've realized too late that I needed it so badly. And I can't change anything now, cuz' it had been so long time ago. Trying to achieve what I want, in the other side, I always miss it. I need it. I guess my dreams just reflect that unconsciousness. And it bothers me like a hell but I need it to survive in this world. Maybe a awkward coexistence? I can be. But there are not us. Only me or only you, as always it was.

Forever alone?

Finally the internship has started since yesterday. I've been two days at hotel working as receptionist, and I'm so satisfied even happy with it. There are still so many things I have to learn but it really feels good that I'm a useful one for someone, because I'd been feeling so far that I was totally worthless, annoying and forgotten. It was a stupid idea, however, I am being a coward which I never was. I guess that's what the aging does. You get hurt by people who thought you knew them well, as your friends, or sometimes you even felt they were almost your family and you would never been separated, and one day you realize there's nobody to be with you. I'd like to name this moment, "the time to be back home sweet home", because there's always your "real" family who are counting days and days to see you again. It does make sense, doesn't it?

I thought I was well integrated in this society, I may have been wrong. I may have been trying to find something that I couldn't afford to. Really? Everything was so perfect that I didn't realize they were all fake things. I believed that all I had, would last forever. Of course they're not. Does it mean that all the way I've walked are wrong? So do people leave me without giving any clue why they do that? Or am I so sensitive?

This situation is also one of the reasons why I love working. When I am busy, there's not even single second to think about the answers of this stupid questions, and it makes me happy that there's someone who needs me even though it's just temporal. Maybe people just get so busy as I am (in this case, the difference among us is, I want to be more and more busy in order to escape from the real world, and they don't want to be but have to) and they have no time to care about me. Now it sounds I'm even retarded. I wonder what people want. And want to ask them: Am I a coward because I'm suffering from all you did to me but keep trying to avoid losing you, or are you a coward because you have something uncomfortable in your mind with me and just decide not to care about me despite of all the words you told me, as if I do not exist in your life since the first time? I can't stand it! I don't feel like to be a part of the human race. We're so cruel, so mean, and so stupid.