.jpg)
As time goes by, people learn how to survive in the lonely world. What in the end of this road is, to realize that the only one who can trust is, myself. Only I can make myself overcome a barrier, only I can help myself to achieve a triumph in the war, or at least only I can realize or decide what I really want to, and cheer myself up again when it's not the best decision.
Knowing this unrefutable fact, I'm getting used to GET USED TO THINK LESS in any situation. In my opinion, this is the best way in order not to hurt myself, and not to bother the others. Especially when I feel the barrier of being foreigner, I try so hard not to think deeply and not to tell anybody about what I really feel. However, this isn't as easy as saying. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty, in regard to some situation, so guilty. And the sense of guilt let me so down and drives me to the edge of world. How do I get out of this? I admit that I'm different. All this happens because I'm different. First of all, I'm truly foreigner not only inside myself but outside. Even though I'm with a hundred of people, one-third of them call me "Chinita" (it means "Chinese girl" in Spanish, of course, I'm Korean but it doesn't matter for them as old people say "American" for all the foreigners in Korea.) whether if they do this with a good meaning or a bad meaning, another one-third of them think I'm a person who will leave Spain someday, so they can do whatever they want with me, and the last one-third wanted to be my friend, but if they have biologically XY chromosome more than half of them may have another aim.
I don't blame anybody, because I realized that all the happenings had become involved I'm different. I'm even different in Korea so I left to find somewhere I belong. And now I think I belong to nowhere. I'm not being negative, just facing to pure reality. Once I admit that I'm not as same as the others, all the problem is gone. Maybe it can be seemed as if I wanted to escape from the real world, if you're thinking like that, you're deadly wrong. I'm so far from escaping but trying to face with what I have to fight. Then I don't need to suffer from insomnia every night asking to myself "What have I done?".
My mother said, someday I would meet the one who can accept me as I am, as she had met her real partner of life. So not to struggle for having people around, to focus on self-development to be a beautiful person. I don't exactly know how to be a beautiful one mentaly, but I guess it may be like her. She had overcome so many adversities, but had never lost her bright smile. She had never given way to despair though all the things went against her life. It's because those despairs shaved her edge, so she could be a round one. I should listen what she told me. And it'll be better to think less, be of few words and don't let the guard down.
