And there was no one

This new start makes me dizzy. That dizzying is a sort of fear I'm faced every time. It is an intricate mixture of feelings. And I ask to myself, 'am I doing right?' thousand times. There's no certain place I could take a rest. Sometimes the circumstances make me believe that I'm in a safe zone, and they change as soon as I feel relief.

Yesterday, I found a document file on my desktop, it was a short record of the bad moments I had before. When I realized what it was I felt like deleting it immediately, however, I decided to read it once more before I did. All the letters were written with a plenty of disappointment, sorrow, loneliness and there was only me and nobody. I wrote and hided it even from myself, cuz I needed to express the feeling I had but I didn't want to share it with no one. So now I got an interesting source of trouble. Should I delete it and pretend as if those memories didn't exist at all? Would I not regret if I delete it?

Actually, the file contains also good moments even though they occupy a very small space among the letters. This drives me into the edge of my inner peace. I'm about to fall into the swamp of melancholia, because I know that they won't be removed from my head even though I delete the file. Deleting the file is just an emblematic doing. Would it work? Let's see. Let me see.

Physically, but not mentally busy days

Since the internship started, I'm in happy days. Busy life makes me feel that I'm someone worth and totally alive, it makes me be proud of being myself. When it started, I arrived home dead tired. Now I'm used to this, and take the free time to read books, to take a walk along the river or to climb a mountain.. my life is better and rich in affluent circumstances.

I wake up 6 O'clock every morning, have breakfast watching TVE morning news (the only sad part of this routine is I'm not allowed to drink coffee because I got psoriasis, and it gets worse if I drink sth with caffeine) then take a train to the hotel. Comparing with the old days before the internship, despite of waking up earlier, I'm not as busy as those days. Cuz the only thing I do is working at the hotel! Beside it's not hard at all for me, as I wanted so hard to be a receptionist. All the thing I do at my work are the overflowing joy. Even the clients who act so rude, because it's also a part of my job.

And every moment, every minute and second, I wish I could work here as a regular job employee, not a trainee. But it doesn't mean I'm not satisfied because I'm only a trainee, it means this is ideal job for me. Having my age, I've had a plenty of and various kind of jobs which the others in my age couldn't afford to do. I always did my best, but not that happy as I am now. When I worked as a private school teacher, I loved what I do and tried to do all the thing I could, at the same time, I was stressful enough owing to the heavy work that I got to handle in, and by all the late night calls after coming home, from the parents who wondered if their kid was the best one in its class or not, if not, why.

Anyway, I don't even complaining about what I'm doing, there isn't any. Or better said, for the moment. Recently I watched the movie 'Three Idiots', and thought while I was watching, about what the movie wanted to say. If you do what you love to, the money follows. Is that true? This is almost the first time that I work without thinking of money. Only I need this, to feel alive, to feel that I'm needed by others, to justify my being in this society... and I love this job. How lucky I am. I'm doing what I love to!

Maybe better having Anorexia??

In these days, I'm busy enough due to the internship which I'm doing in the hotel, because it's the biggist and busiest hotel in the whole city. There are so many things to learn and to practice, so when I arrive home I'm usually in a status that I'm not able to do anything. The work makes me so happy, when I'm at work, nothing can interrupt my happiness, I even think that I was born to work at an hotel.

The only sad part of this happy life is, I'm losing the evening time of my day. About 8 or 9 O'Clock, I'm already falling asleep. In addition, I don't even wake up until the alarm bells in the morning. Instead, I have more weird dreams than usual.

The last night one was the weirdest in the latest. Maybe I should write this post on "Huella de los Sueños" but I don't feel like draw something about the dream I had last night, cuz', it could be a nice one, but as I remember now, it was a sad one. Every time I wake up after dreaming something not so nice to remember, I try to get rid of it from my head. But this one I couldn't. I could even remember the every single word that we had on my dremas, the touch, the circumstance, as if I had really experienced it in the real life. And it drove me crazy, because it took so hard to get back to the real world.

Possibly I analyse so much about myself that I can't take a rest as I want. Or I miss so much about what I couldn't have or what I had to leave that I dream so frequently about them. And the truth is, I really miss them. I'm improving my lot, at the same time, I'm escaping from my karma. I've realized too late that I needed it so badly. And I can't change anything now, cuz' it had been so long time ago. Trying to achieve what I want, in the other side, I always miss it. I need it. I guess my dreams just reflect that unconsciousness. And it bothers me like a hell but I need it to survive in this world. Maybe a awkward coexistence? I can be. But there are not us. Only me or only you, as always it was.

Forever alone?

Finally the internship has started since yesterday. I've been two days at hotel working as receptionist, and I'm so satisfied even happy with it. There are still so many things I have to learn but it really feels good that I'm a useful one for someone, because I'd been feeling so far that I was totally worthless, annoying and forgotten. It was a stupid idea, however, I am being a coward which I never was. I guess that's what the aging does. You get hurt by people who thought you knew them well, as your friends, or sometimes you even felt they were almost your family and you would never been separated, and one day you realize there's nobody to be with you. I'd like to name this moment, "the time to be back home sweet home", because there's always your "real" family who are counting days and days to see you again. It does make sense, doesn't it?

I thought I was well integrated in this society, I may have been wrong. I may have been trying to find something that I couldn't afford to. Really? Everything was so perfect that I didn't realize they were all fake things. I believed that all I had, would last forever. Of course they're not. Does it mean that all the way I've walked are wrong? So do people leave me without giving any clue why they do that? Or am I so sensitive?

This situation is also one of the reasons why I love working. When I am busy, there's not even single second to think about the answers of this stupid questions, and it makes me happy that there's someone who needs me even though it's just temporal. Maybe people just get so busy as I am (in this case, the difference among us is, I want to be more and more busy in order to escape from the real world, and they don't want to be but have to) and they have no time to care about me. Now it sounds I'm even retarded. I wonder what people want. And want to ask them: Am I a coward because I'm suffering from all you did to me but keep trying to avoid losing you, or are you a coward because you have something uncomfortable in your mind with me and just decide not to care about me despite of all the words you told me, as if I do not exist in your life since the first time? I can't stand it! I don't feel like to be a part of the human race. We're so cruel, so mean, and so stupid.

Blank blank blank

El libro dice que no hay oportunidad para la segunda oportunidad. Tiene razón. Pues busco otra totalmente distinta que la primera. Así arreglo las cosas. No me voy a escapar de mi vida. Soy yo quein construyo un nuevo camino para mí mismo, no voy a seguir los hechos por otros siendo la última tonta de la tierra. En realidad tengo miles ganas de huirme del mundo pero no lo voy a hacer. Sigo mi vida. Sigo mi vida viviendola de mejor manera para mí, por mí.

I'm losing control

Finally I lost control of myself. And I say, this must be the last time that I won't let me repeat this stupidity again.

Last night was a party night. My roommates and I had invited some of my classmates for dinner to our place, before going out to party. The party was about the celebration of the ending of our course. They arrived at our house one by one and we enjoyed the meal, although I didn't prepared many things.

About 11 o'clock, the door bell rang. It was our neighbor. She told me it was too late to make noise, so we had to leave the house. We headed to WAGON, the bar in which our English teacher Jason worked. I can't explain exactly what it was about but I was in a bad mood from that moment. I guess, it was the mixed feeling of the anger toward my roommates with the frustration about myself, because I'd been explaining all evening why my roommates didn't join us and why they were just closed themselves in their tiny room, and didn't come out to drink with us. It was not the first time, and I had to sorry about it at least ten times. Of course, my roommates had enough reason. One had to study for the exam of next Monday, and the other had a sore throat that didn't want to party. I understood them totally, but as that situation had repeated a thousand of times, I was about to explode myself. As I told before it was not the first time that I was alone with the visitors. In addition, all of them had came home expecting that finally they could have a party with my roommates who had never gone out with them, and before that party we had made an agreement among three of us that we would be together all night long. So I couldn't help myself being uncomfortable with the situation.

Needless to say, I knew very clearly the fact that I could not force somebody to join something when one didn't want to. But what could I say? We're young, we have a duty for enjoying our life, making friends, ... maybe it sounded like an obligation for my roommates, even though I just told them as their friend, not someone special.

Anyway, we arrived at WAGON and another party began. There was literally nobody at the bar but us owing to the Carnival of Portugalete. I was still feeling bad and didn't even try to hide that feeling, was a bit drunken. All I wanted to do was being isolated from my group to keep calm myself, not to be the wet blanket. But it finally happened, nevertheless I tried not to spoil the atmosphere.

After I stepped out for a minute, I found a mess when I came back to the bar. There was a couple disappeared, there was a drunken wanderer who was running around everywhere, there was a sad girl who thought nobody loved her, there was a discussion, there were people complaining about the disappeared couple, there were people quarreling, someone crying.... everything I could imagine that it would possibly happen even though we were just eleven. And one by one came to me and started talking about everything happening around. I usually like to listening to people's story, but not that time. And I realized, all the thing was happening because of me. Because I cared about things that was not my business at all, and wanted to look after all of them. I flung out of the bar with a cup of coca-cola, but couldn't escape from all of these things, because I found another one crying on the ground as soon as I walked out.

Then the fuse is blown. I threw the cup into the wall, gave all the money that I had to my roommate, then left the bar. I thought I could solve all the problem that they had told me, but how? I was not the special one, I was the same human thing as they were. I'd like to have been able to help them, but how? Did it happen because I put my nose into everything? Why did I do that? Did I think I was so special that I could help everyone's problem? Why did this happen to me? All I wanted was everyone's happiness, but why? Why didn't I look on in silence? Thousand of questions passed. I was so confused, so angry with everything especially with myself  by having committed an error. I ran away from the bar. In the corner, I hung my head in shame. The shame, that I showed them myself without control, the shame, that I screwed up everything, the shame, how dare I thought I could help the other's problems, the shame, about all the word spurted out from my mouth until then, the shame, about being myself.

Then I found out that I'm a worthless one. I should have minded just my own business. I had no power to change the world. All the thing I did thinking it would help somebody, caused more trouble. I lost the ground to be. I'm even a trouble maker than a peace maker. And now... I don't know what to do. I'm losing control. I'm so afraid that if I do something, it will be wrong for the others. Who am I? Where am I and what the heck am I doing here?

Maybe it's time to take to the road again.

Tomorrow is the day. The day that everything will be finally decided, especially where I'm gonna do the internship for the next 3 months. I do not really care about where I'm gonna do that, no matter where the hotel is, how far it is, I just believe it will be worthy to experience. Besides, when it finishes I'll go to Mallorca for an another internship during summer, another 3 months from July to September. So, what do I complain about?

But, here comes another story. The story about HOW TO GET THE WORKING VISA in Spain.

First of all, to change the status of my Visa from Students to Worker, I must need the permission of Spanish Embassy, which is located in Seoul, Korea. Why can't I make it through here in Spain and need to go back to Korea? Because it is allowed to change somebody's visa status in Spain, only in case of one having more than 3 years' residence. I have just fulfilled 2 years, so... (In fact, I've been more than 2 years but they don't count the the moments that I was traveling around Europe because I was more than 3 months out of Spain).

In addition, I must be offered a contract more than one year, with a good reason why the company (in my case, the hotel) needs me in that position. Considering the unemployment situation in Spain (almost 45% young people left without a job, this percentage is incredibly high!), it'll be quite difficult for them to justify that no one would substitute that position but me. So, there is one more obstacle, unless I'm a genius for hotel management.

That's not all. After getting permission of the local government, I must go back to Korea with the necessary documents, and submit them to the Spanish Embassy. Then wait until they give me a result whether I'm accepted or not. This procedure takes more or less 2 months. And if the request is accepted, I'll be back to Spain, but I won't be able to work not yet, because there's one more process, that I have to hand over all the permission and documents to the local Immigration Office. Then it takes another month again.

As it's still not considered for me going back to my country and starting new life there, I was obsessed with finding a way to stay here. Then I found out 3 options (in fact there are more than 3 options):

The first one is, being employed in the first hotel where I do the internship, then get a permission,
the second one is, also being employed in the second hotel in Mallorca, then get a permission,
and the third one is, extending the stay through the enrollment in other course in order to fulfill 3 years' residence, then find another job offer. And this is the worst option that I can do ever.

But you know what? Finally I've made up my mind that there's no need to stay only in Spain. As I did before, I can hit the road to anywhere, anytime I want. All I was concerned about is, as I've been staying here for 2 years, making new friends, knowing the city... so I was a bit worried about starting everything from zero again in the new place, leaving my life behind here. However, I won't mind whatever happens next. I'll let it go as it should be, 'cuz I realized that there existed (and still exist) several limits that I couldn't handle with in any ways. I just believe, when one door is closed, always another is opened.

New Template of Blog

I've been almost 3 hours changing the templates, and creating new blog which is finally linked with this one after lots of tries. In a few days I'll start to upload things in the other blog, too. At the first time I just wanted to add a tap in this blog for new page, but Blogger.com didn't allow me to do that. So.. there was no more option than creating new blog, then to link each other. Anyway, it seems every work that I've done is worth to do.

The New Year's Days

Finally, we're in 2012. When I look back the 2011, it seems like it had flown like a storm.

I met many people, also did, missed and gained many things. But I don't remember exactly what I did last year, it's because my brain doesn't recognize them as important things, or it may have been such a rubbish so I don't want to remember at all. Anyway, before the reception of New Year, I cut my hair very short as I had before. I wanted to get the real myself back. Then things happened, but I hardly cared of them owing to my business so I won't mention about them. I just hope in this Dragon's Year 2012 everything's gonna be okay as it was last year.  Although there is every likelihood that the Zombie Apocalypse is coming at the end of this year and the world terminates.