Monday 20 February 2012
Blank blank blank
El libro dice que no hay oportunidad para la segunda oportunidad. Tiene razón. Pues busco otra totalmente distinta que la primera. Así arreglo las cosas. No me voy a escapar de mi vida. Soy yo quein construyo un nuevo camino para mí mismo, no voy a seguir los hechos por otros siendo la última tonta de la tierra. En realidad tengo miles ganas de huirme del mundo pero no lo voy a hacer. Sigo mi vida. Sigo mi vida viviendola de mejor manera para mí, por mí.
Sunday 19 February 2012
I'm losing control
Finally I lost control of myself. And I say, this must be the last time that I won't let me repeat this stupidity again.
Last night was a party night. My roommates and I had invited some of my classmates for dinner to our place, before going out to party. The party was about the celebration of the ending of our course. They arrived at our house one by one and we enjoyed the meal, although I didn't prepared many things.
About 11 o'clock, the door bell rang. It was our neighbor. She told me it was too late to make noise, so we had to leave the house. We headed to WAGON, the bar in which our English teacher Jason worked. I can't explain exactly what it was about but I was in a bad mood from that moment. I guess, it was the mixed feeling of the anger toward my roommates with the frustration about myself, because I'd been explaining all evening why my roommates didn't join us and why they were just closed themselves in their tiny room, and didn't come out to drink with us. It was not the first time, and I had to sorry about it at least ten times. Of course, my roommates had enough reason. One had to study for the exam of next Monday, and the other had a sore throat that didn't want to party. I understood them totally, but as that situation had repeated a thousand of times, I was about to explode myself. As I told before it was not the first time that I was alone with the visitors. In addition, all of them had came home expecting that finally they could have a party with my roommates who had never gone out with them, and before that party we had made an agreement among three of us that we would be together all night long. So I couldn't help myself being uncomfortable with the situation.
Needless to say, I knew very clearly the fact that I could not force somebody to join something when one didn't want to. But what could I say? We're young, we have a duty for enjoying our life, making friends, ... maybe it sounded like an obligation for my roommates, even though I just told them as their friend, not someone special.
Anyway, we arrived at WAGON and another party began. There was literally nobody at the bar but us owing to the Carnival of Portugalete. I was still feeling bad and didn't even try to hide that feeling, was a bit drunken. All I wanted to do was being isolated from my group to keep calm myself, not to be the wet blanket. But it finally happened, nevertheless I tried not to spoil the atmosphere.
After I stepped out for a minute, I found a mess when I came back to the bar. There was a couple disappeared, there was a drunken wanderer who was running around everywhere, there was a sad girl who thought nobody loved her, there was a discussion, there were people complaining about the disappeared couple, there were people quarreling, someone crying.... everything I could imagine that it would possibly happen even though we were just eleven. And one by one came to me and started talking about everything happening around. I usually like to listening to people's story, but not that time. And I realized, all the thing was happening because of me. Because I cared about things that was not my business at all, and wanted to look after all of them. I flung out of the bar with a cup of coca-cola, but couldn't escape from all of these things, because I found another one crying on the ground as soon as I walked out.
Then the fuse is blown. I threw the cup into the wall, gave all the money that I had to my roommate, then left the bar. I thought I could solve all the problem that they had told me, but how? I was not the special one, I was the same human thing as they were. I'd like to have been able to help them, but how? Did it happen because I put my nose into everything? Why did I do that? Did I think I was so special that I could help everyone's problem? Why did this happen to me? All I wanted was everyone's happiness, but why? Why didn't I look on in silence? Thousand of questions passed. I was so confused, so angry with everything especially with myself by having committed an error. I ran away from the bar. In the corner, I hung my head in shame. The shame, that I showed them myself without control, the shame, that I screwed up everything, the shame, how dare I thought I could help the other's problems, the shame, about all the word spurted out from my mouth until then, the shame, about being myself.
Then I found out that I'm a worthless one. I should have minded just my own business. I had no power to change the world. All the thing I did thinking it would help somebody, caused more trouble. I lost the ground to be. I'm even a trouble maker than a peace maker. And now... I don't know what to do. I'm losing control. I'm so afraid that if I do something, it will be wrong for the others. Who am I? Where am I and what the heck am I doing here?
Last night was a party night. My roommates and I had invited some of my classmates for dinner to our place, before going out to party. The party was about the celebration of the ending of our course. They arrived at our house one by one and we enjoyed the meal, although I didn't prepared many things.
About 11 o'clock, the door bell rang. It was our neighbor. She told me it was too late to make noise, so we had to leave the house. We headed to WAGON, the bar in which our English teacher Jason worked. I can't explain exactly what it was about but I was in a bad mood from that moment. I guess, it was the mixed feeling of the anger toward my roommates with the frustration about myself, because I'd been explaining all evening why my roommates didn't join us and why they were just closed themselves in their tiny room, and didn't come out to drink with us. It was not the first time, and I had to sorry about it at least ten times. Of course, my roommates had enough reason. One had to study for the exam of next Monday, and the other had a sore throat that didn't want to party. I understood them totally, but as that situation had repeated a thousand of times, I was about to explode myself. As I told before it was not the first time that I was alone with the visitors. In addition, all of them had came home expecting that finally they could have a party with my roommates who had never gone out with them, and before that party we had made an agreement among three of us that we would be together all night long. So I couldn't help myself being uncomfortable with the situation.
Needless to say, I knew very clearly the fact that I could not force somebody to join something when one didn't want to. But what could I say? We're young, we have a duty for enjoying our life, making friends, ... maybe it sounded like an obligation for my roommates, even though I just told them as their friend, not someone special.
Anyway, we arrived at WAGON and another party began. There was literally nobody at the bar but us owing to the Carnival of Portugalete. I was still feeling bad and didn't even try to hide that feeling, was a bit drunken. All I wanted to do was being isolated from my group to keep calm myself, not to be the wet blanket. But it finally happened, nevertheless I tried not to spoil the atmosphere.
After I stepped out for a minute, I found a mess when I came back to the bar. There was a couple disappeared, there was a drunken wanderer who was running around everywhere, there was a sad girl who thought nobody loved her, there was a discussion, there were people complaining about the disappeared couple, there were people quarreling, someone crying.... everything I could imagine that it would possibly happen even though we were just eleven. And one by one came to me and started talking about everything happening around. I usually like to listening to people's story, but not that time. And I realized, all the thing was happening because of me. Because I cared about things that was not my business at all, and wanted to look after all of them. I flung out of the bar with a cup of coca-cola, but couldn't escape from all of these things, because I found another one crying on the ground as soon as I walked out.
Then the fuse is blown. I threw the cup into the wall, gave all the money that I had to my roommate, then left the bar. I thought I could solve all the problem that they had told me, but how? I was not the special one, I was the same human thing as they were. I'd like to have been able to help them, but how? Did it happen because I put my nose into everything? Why did I do that? Did I think I was so special that I could help everyone's problem? Why did this happen to me? All I wanted was everyone's happiness, but why? Why didn't I look on in silence? Thousand of questions passed. I was so confused, so angry with everything especially with myself by having committed an error. I ran away from the bar. In the corner, I hung my head in shame. The shame, that I showed them myself without control, the shame, that I screwed up everything, the shame, how dare I thought I could help the other's problems, the shame, about all the word spurted out from my mouth until then, the shame, about being myself.
Then I found out that I'm a worthless one. I should have minded just my own business. I had no power to change the world. All the thing I did thinking it would help somebody, caused more trouble. I lost the ground to be. I'm even a trouble maker than a peace maker. And now... I don't know what to do. I'm losing control. I'm so afraid that if I do something, it will be wrong for the others. Who am I? Where am I and what the heck am I doing here?
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Maybe it's time to take to the road again.
Tomorrow is the day. The day that everything will be finally decided, especially where I'm gonna do the internship for the next 3 months. I do not really care about where I'm gonna do that, no matter where the hotel is, how far it is, I just believe it will be worthy to experience. Besides, when it finishes I'll go to Mallorca for an another internship during summer, another 3 months from July to September. So, what do I complain about?
But, here comes another story. The story about HOW TO GET THE WORKING VISA in Spain.
First of all, to change the status of my Visa from Students to Worker, I must need the permission of Spanish Embassy, which is located in Seoul, Korea. Why can't I make it through here in Spain and need to go back to Korea? Because it is allowed to change somebody's visa status in Spain, only in case of one having more than 3 years' residence. I have just fulfilled 2 years, so... (In fact, I've been more than 2 years but they don't count the the moments that I was traveling around Europe because I was more than 3 months out of Spain).
In addition, I must be offered a contract more than one year, with a good reason why the company (in my case, the hotel) needs me in that position. Considering the unemployment situation in Spain (almost 45% young people left without a job, this percentage is incredibly high!), it'll be quite difficult for them to justify that no one would substitute that position but me. So, there is one more obstacle, unless I'm a genius for hotel management.
That's not all. After getting permission of the local government, I must go back to Korea with the necessary documents, and submit them to the Spanish Embassy. Then wait until they give me a result whether I'm accepted or not. This procedure takes more or less 2 months. And if the request is accepted, I'll be back to Spain, but I won't be able to work not yet, because there's one more process, that I have to hand over all the permission and documents to the local Immigration Office. Then it takes another month again.
As it's still not considered for me going back to my country and starting new life there, I was obsessed with finding a way to stay here. Then I found out 3 options (in fact there are more than 3 options):
The first one is, being employed in the first hotel where I do the internship, then get a permission,
the second one is, also being employed in the second hotel in Mallorca, then get a permission,
and the third one is, extending the stay through the enrollment in other course in order to fulfill 3 years' residence, then find another job offer. And this is the worst option that I can do ever.
But you know what? Finally I've made up my mind that there's no need to stay only in Spain. As I did before, I can hit the road to anywhere, anytime I want. All I was concerned about is, as I've been staying here for 2 years, making new friends, knowing the city... so I was a bit worried about starting everything from zero again in the new place, leaving my life behind here. However, I won't mind whatever happens next. I'll let it go as it should be, 'cuz I realized that there existed (and still exist) several limits that I couldn't handle with in any ways. I just believe, when one door is closed, always another is opened.
But, here comes another story. The story about HOW TO GET THE WORKING VISA in Spain.
First of all, to change the status of my Visa from Students to Worker, I must need the permission of Spanish Embassy, which is located in Seoul, Korea. Why can't I make it through here in Spain and need to go back to Korea? Because it is allowed to change somebody's visa status in Spain, only in case of one having more than 3 years' residence. I have just fulfilled 2 years, so... (In fact, I've been more than 2 years but they don't count the the moments that I was traveling around Europe because I was more than 3 months out of Spain).
In addition, I must be offered a contract more than one year, with a good reason why the company (in my case, the hotel) needs me in that position. Considering the unemployment situation in Spain (almost 45% young people left without a job, this percentage is incredibly high!), it'll be quite difficult for them to justify that no one would substitute that position but me. So, there is one more obstacle, unless I'm a genius for hotel management.
That's not all. After getting permission of the local government, I must go back to Korea with the necessary documents, and submit them to the Spanish Embassy. Then wait until they give me a result whether I'm accepted or not. This procedure takes more or less 2 months. And if the request is accepted, I'll be back to Spain, but I won't be able to work not yet, because there's one more process, that I have to hand over all the permission and documents to the local Immigration Office. Then it takes another month again.
As it's still not considered for me going back to my country and starting new life there, I was obsessed with finding a way to stay here. Then I found out 3 options (in fact there are more than 3 options):
The first one is, being employed in the first hotel where I do the internship, then get a permission,
the second one is, also being employed in the second hotel in Mallorca, then get a permission,
and the third one is, extending the stay through the enrollment in other course in order to fulfill 3 years' residence, then find another job offer. And this is the worst option that I can do ever.
But you know what? Finally I've made up my mind that there's no need to stay only in Spain. As I did before, I can hit the road to anywhere, anytime I want. All I was concerned about is, as I've been staying here for 2 years, making new friends, knowing the city... so I was a bit worried about starting everything from zero again in the new place, leaving my life behind here. However, I won't mind whatever happens next. I'll let it go as it should be, 'cuz I realized that there existed (and still exist) several limits that I couldn't handle with in any ways. I just believe, when one door is closed, always another is opened.
Monday 6 February 2012
New Template of Blog
I've been almost 3 hours changing the templates, and creating new blog which is finally linked with this one after lots of tries. In a few days I'll start to upload things in the other blog, too. At the first time I just wanted to add a tap in this blog for new page, but Blogger.com didn't allow me to do that. So.. there was no more option than creating new blog, then to link each other. Anyway, it seems every work that I've done is worth to do.
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