The Nightmare Before Exam

Every time I get bored during classes I pick a pen and start to draw something.

It's normally a simple doodle, like this

 

(my classmates Seong, Boris and Che)

or like this

Today's subjects are my classmates who are sitting in the front row.

Of course there are more pics but I don't know where they are. When I have found them I'll upload them here, too. 

Then, as I have an exam of Quality Management tomorrow, I must have been studying this evening, but I didn't even feel like opening the first page of the book so I started to make this:

Now it's time to start studying... with liters of coffee, I maybe have to do it all night long... a karma, indeed.

One

Fortunately (or I can say 'sadly'), nothing special has passed last month. 

If I insist on saying something happened around me, .......let me think...., Boris, who is one of my flatmate, asked a girl in my school go out and now they belong together, and Seong, the other korean guy in my class, might have 'some' girlfriend's'. (Our theory is, he has two girls in Korea, one in Madrid, another one in Salamanca and the other one in Bilbao. The coolest guy ever.) And Lee, who's a flatmate of Seong's, tries to ask a girl go out (according to what Seong told me). Winter is a season for making loveeeeeeeeee. Then I hate winter so badly. Just leave me alone that I don't want to be bothered by those lovebirds. 

My mother had to undergo a operation this Wednesday, because her ligament had been torn by accident. However, as it wasn't something serious, her postoperative recovery is good and speedy. The only thing that I'm concerned about is that she's alone in the hospital because my bro is in the military service and I'm here in Bilbao, in addition to that, my father is in a business trip. 

Anyway, I've done with all the irritating events such as the Cambridge Exam (I won't repeat it, ever, I swear) or the Visa renewal, and the course is almost finished. I'm gonna be free again when the Christmas vacation comes, even though it'll be just a few days.

To celebrate my liberation from EVERYTHING I ordered some Dawkins's book from Amazon.uk as presents for myself. One of them was 'The Magic of Reality', which I selected just because of the title, and when I opened the first page I thought I would never regret having bought that book. All the word given by this smartest book are on the extension line of my thought. They're exactly what I think, but this book explains the idea so clearly and definitely that I can define it 'efficiently'. Maybe I can be more realist because of this (and that's what my friends are worried about).

When I finish reading it, I'm thinking to write a review but who knows. There is every likelihood that it takes a year to be done. First of all, I need to take a rest, then I'll think about it again. 

Boris didn't come back home last night. Lovers, lovers, lovers. I hate winter. Really.

KORUS(South Korea-United States) FTA

Before starting this story, I admit to being opponent to the FTA.

As soon as I arrived at home, I turned on my laptop to know what had happened in my country. As one of my classmate previously informed, the ratification had finally taken place inside the Assembly, without attendance of the opposition party. One of the Assembly, who is a member of the opposition party and his name is Kim Sun-dong, who had fortunately been in the Assembly session, had thrown a tear bomb to the chairman's table to stop the vote. And the others, from the other members to the journalist, had not been gained the admission to the chamber so the only thing they could have done is to attempt to break the door.

Sounds like a big mess, but that's what really happened.

The citizens had been protesting for hours and hours against the government and they'd been fired back with water cannons by police. It was -3 degrees in Seoul. A few of them had been arrested by police under the title of being RED or Commie, even the police had arrested the innocent pedestrian who had been watching the happening and had been complaining that they couldn't have crossed the road owing to the barricade.

Since when have we lost our freedom of expression? Are they able to tell us that the citizens were wrong, and they were the right one? Do they have the right to stifle our free expression? Or could they even exist without a nation? It's not just a problem of FTA, it's about RESPECT for our nation. We had expressed our opinions thousands of times that we were not agreed with the resolution of the National Assembly, and they never listened to us.

As it always happens, OUR Mr.President wasn't in Korea. It will be a splendid excuse for him because he'll tell us he wasn't in charge of the situation. Having the ratification approved, he showed up and appreciated the effort of their making deals with it.

Now you may ask me, what's wrong with the KORUS FTA? I'd like to ask you first, do you believe it's a equal treaty? Not at all. 

The Anxiety About Myself

In these days, I'm sitting alone in the kitchen whole evening, studying for the preparation of CAE. And I'm fed up with it because I've been doing this for months, and there's no signal that I've been improved. When I applied for it I was so sure that I would have enough time ability to pass it. However, the reality was that I couldn't devote my free times to the preparation, that I had so many things from the course, such as exams, group works, final project, etc. 

So now I admit to not having considered about the circumstance that I really faced, but the one which I imagined to be. The time is always against me even though I have distributed it adequately, day by day I'm pressured by the thought that I may fail on the test. Actually it's no use beating me up like that. But Knowing this fact, I'm still doing it, and it presses me more and more. I'd never thought that I didn't have enough level of English, in addition, I'd even worked as an English teacher in Korea although it was a short period.

Anyway, I didn't even finished less than the half of the textbook, and have just 2 weeks til the test. The thing which makes me so stressful is that I had payed almost 250 euros for the application of the test and for the material. Spending the money which is not mine but from my parents, every time I should have to think about the amount of money I had spent, and sleep on it if it was something valuable which I had spent for. What a pressing mental problem... I should take advantage of every opportunity to pass the exam. First of all, I have to make a point of being not alone, everybody's trying to help me out from that I actually fed up with the situation, then remind me I STILL have 2 more week. 

Be POSITIVE! Don't be struggling on the stupid thinking that you can't do that! 

..............whatever.

How far we've come

Or how far I've come. Because there is no more 'We' between us. 

It's been raining all day and still cloudy. I've been sitting in kitchen all morning staring the rain through the window. There were my flatmates at home but I felt like as if I was alone in this house, as I had been last summer after my parents had left Spain. And I remembered the gab of last summer when I was totally alone in this city, when I was struggling for the escape from the loneliness that I had.

The expression of loneliness is absolutely prohibited in this society, I thought. As time goes by, people get more and more lonely, and nobody want to meet the same one as they are, just looking forward to having another one who can share their loneliness and who listens to them all night nodding silently. Knowing this, I used to try to hide what I felt, however, that was not the easy one at all. 

Having remembered of what happened last summer during the 'gab' of summer, I quieted down. The darkness which blanketed outside rode me into deep inside myself to look back upon those days. I whispered to myself that I would never regret what I'd done, because they already consisted a part of my life and I couldn't remove it whatever I did. That's what called Karma, I thought. 

How to finish this eternal circulation of loneliness? I have my mother, who loves me more than anything. I know she can do everything for me whatever it ts, but honestly there is a part in my heart that she doesn't fulfill and I'm sure that it exists also in her heart. 

If you feel as same as I do, I'd like to recommend listening to the song titled "The Origin of Love", from the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch". I need a coffee break, it's bit late to have it for me, though.

The wanderer's life

Today, after breakfast I went for a walk to Getxo, where I have to cross the river to get there. It's been so long time since the last time I went there with my parents (so it may have been more than a month), because I was bit busy owing to the tests, the other studies and some works that I had to finish. 

Anyway, it started as usual. Every Sunday I wake up about 9 or 10, then have lite breakfast watching 'Man vs Wild' which is one of my favourite TV show, and take a shower, change clothes to go for walk. As I had spent all day at home on Saturday, I was itching all over. 

It seemed long way to arrive til Getxo and cost me a lot, because I hadn't done enough exercise in these days, besides as I gained more weight (due to my laziness) every footstep I walked made me feel as if I was an elephant. There were many people with their family, even with their dogs, and I was almost the only one who was walking down the road alone. When I got the bench where I usually take a rest during the walk, I took out the book 'Alchemist' and started to read it. On the book, when the boy decided to be a shepherd, a question came into my head. Why on earth I decided to travel abroad? Why I left my country and how I got to here in Bilbao? 

Maybe I couldn't have found the real aim for my life in Korea even though there were a lot of people who were satisfied with what they had, and traveling seemed like the only possibility of having a dream come true that make my life more interesting. I was also sick and tired of the daily routine, although there was every likelihood that I could keep that boring life until I die. I was desirous of making myself more independent, wanted to know the significance of my existence as human being, and may have wanted to meet someone important for my life by a chance encounter (even though it's the hardest part that I can believe now).

However, being apart from my family, old friends, band, my sweetest cats and all my routine wasn't as easy as I had thought. It made me stronger and even a bit dull, so now I am. But in the beginning, when I faced a problem I just left the city where I was, heading to a new place. I thought, 'Who cares, I just not belong here. I'll find somewhere I can stay long'. Now I realize it's just a bad habit and I was so capricious. But there was also a good side, I could have got rid of all the fears that I had had against some big changes in life. 

Now I'm highly likely to discover my own ways to make my life work. It doesn't matter if they treat me just as foreigner because I really am, if I don't make something through as I planned before because it usually happens and nobody can always end in success. I won't be stressed anymore by those stupid things. The one who is not afraid of failure, can achieve the real success. 

The New Beginning

The vacation has gone, then the new life has started. Every time when I toe the line I make some plan to achieve, and my plans for this season is:

1. To get CAE (Certificate in Advanced English) in December

2. To raise my German level up to the level B1 (now I got A1)

3. To Recover my Japanese level as before (level B1)

4. To complete my Spanish level as NATIVE speakers (level C2)

5. To participate in internship in Hotel NH Villa de Bilbao

Then, for number 6, there are the plan A and plan B.

Plan A : Making a contract with the hotel NH where I (will) get the internship, then staying in Bilbao.

Plan B : Getting a Working Holiday Visa for Germany then searching a job in Munich.

I think I'll manage to accomplish one of these goals I made, whatever I'll do it will be so- nice. Finally I'm going to finish the study then will get a job what I want. Of course I don't think it will be easy, owing to the time of visa processing. Once I apply for a visa whether it's for study or for work, it takes decades to issue it. I renewed my student visa last month, more precisely, on August 25, then they made me to come back on September 5, which was the expiration date for the visa. Anyway, I'm still waiting for a letter which I have to bring to the INS, and nobody knows when it will be arrived, how long it takes for me to make it through.

By the way, I'm so concentrating on studying in these days. I'm spending most of the time studying. It had never happened in my 25-year-life, and my mother is so happy for that because she'd never seen me study before. Being 3 weeks with my parents in Spain (and a week in Switzerland) I felt something very important, which was, it's time to be more responsible for my life, and also for my family. I can't live always like this, someday I'll have to settle in a place, with right job, with or without my own family. And for that I need to try hard and hard because I'm on the way which I have nobody who can lead the way. I'm the only one who know the way to the end, and as we know it's not a easy thing. 

Some people say, when you choose one, you have to give up the other one. I'm partly agree with this, but in my opinion there is a way that you can satisfy both of them, and I believe it. (of course on the other side, there is also a way that you can lose both of them...) I already want to complete the study!

Getting used to get used to think less

As time goes by, people learn how to survive in the lonely world. What in the end of this road is, to realize that the only one who can trust is, myself. Only I can make myself overcome a barrier, only I can help myself to achieve a triumph in the war, or at least only I can realize or decide what I really want to, and cheer myself up again when it's not the best decision. 

Knowing this unrefutable fact, I'm getting used to GET USED TO THINK LESS in any situation. In my opinion, this is the best way in order not to hurt myself, and not to bother the others. Especially when I feel the barrier of being foreigner, I try so hard not to think deeply and not to tell anybody about what I really feel. However, this isn't as easy as saying. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty, in regard to some situation, so guilty. And the sense of guilt let me so down and drives me to the edge of world. How do I get out of this? I admit that I'm different. All this happens because I'm different. First of all, I'm truly foreigner not only inside myself but outside. Even though I'm with a hundred of people, one-third of them call me "Chinita" (it means "Chinese girl" in Spanish, of course, I'm Korean but it doesn't matter for them as old people say "American" for all the foreigners in Korea.) whether if they do this with a good meaning or a bad meaning, another one-third of them think I'm a person who will leave Spain someday, so they can do whatever they want with me, and the last one-third wanted to be my friend, but if they have biologically XY chromosome more than half of them may have another aim. 

I don't blame anybody, because I realized that all the happenings had become involved I'm different. I'm even different in Korea so I left to find somewhere I belong. And now I think I belong to nowhere. I'm not being negative, just facing to pure reality. Once I admit that I'm not as same as the others, all the problem is gone. Maybe it can be seemed as if I wanted to escape from the real world, if you're thinking like that, you're deadly wrong. I'm so far from escaping but trying to face with what I have to fight. Then I don't need to suffer from insomnia every night asking to myself "What have I done?". 

My mother said, someday I would meet the one who can accept me as I am, as she had met her real partner of life. So not to struggle for having people around, to focus on self-development to be a beautiful person. I don't exactly know how to be a beautiful one mentaly, but I guess it may be like her. She had overcome so many adversities, but had never lost her bright smile. She had never given way to despair though all the things went against her life. It's because those despairs shaved her edge, so she could be a round one. I should listen what she told me. And it'll be better to think less, be of few words and don't let the guard down. 

Losing hope is easy, dreaming is difficult

 

 Today I've been looking pics from old days, when I was in Korea. I found so many pictures of my band, then they set me thinking. What a precious moment I had with it. Watching videos recorded by some of our friends, reminding things we did, lot of fun we had, all the sweet thoughts made me happy for some time. 

I always wanted to be a rock star. Since I started to play guitar, I used to picture myself playing guitar on a stage. And one day when I woke up, I was playing my music with friends, and there were people who listened our music. But I still imagined something bigger than I had at the moment and wanted to be more and more famous. After 3 years with that band, I realized that I (or we) hadn't grown at all, it really bothered me so I need some change. There were many discussions but conclusion. Finally I put down my guitar then left Korea because I wanted to vary (better said, to change) the routine. I was eager to find something special which can fill my life with more pleasure. I'm still looking for it traveling around world and haven't find anything yet.

And it is, I miss that moment a lot. Playing guitar on a stage, singing OUR song, watching people who are dancing with OUR songs and drinking all night with my friends laughing at nothing. Especially when I feel so lonely, here in Spain, this feeling let me fall apart. Sometimes I'm so lost and don't know where I'm heading to, for what I'm walking along this road that I've chosen and why I've chosen this way. Knowing there's no answer for me and only I can make it, I feel so cut off from the outside world. Of course I got friends here who I can talk to. However, it's bit different. Who knows me for many years and understands me perfectly without words even what I'm doing is totally a bull shit, I need them. The one who just need a beer to be with me, and never be serious whatever I've done, and tells me "you such a stupid creature! haha"

For one step ahead, shouldn't look back what I've done, especially when it let me down. At the moment, I'm too tired to walk another step. Maybe it's time to take a rest AGAIN. 

I miss you guys. I miss you so much. 

The wave that rolls your life

Every women face some occasion which is deadly stupid and have to pour oil on troubled waters once in her life. All they have to do is punch the fucked up face which is standing in front of them. Because most of those situations just have very little value, or is of no value whatever. That's how I live and survive so far, being alone out of my country. However, if the wave is too hard to pass over, it sticks on my head for a while teasing me so hard. Like yesterday.

But I think I've get it over again, although it costed a bit to. Better think positive and forget what happened than being felt betrayed whole day doing nothing. How can a woman be stronger than usual? In my opinion, there are 3 answers. 

The first one is, if some super hard thing passed in her life, even though she was a shy little innocent who barely talk with the others even liked be alone calmly reading books, she changes in certain way. Of course there's other possibility that she becomes more introverted even inhibited person. But fortunately in my case I was the opposite. Thanks mom bring me up so affirmative one. 

The second one is, she's born strong woman. That's not my case, I think.

The last one is, have friends who always stand by her side. Drinking a cup of coffee at a cafeteria with her friends, chewing the fat all day, as you can see everywhere women are or even on TV. If you're a guy you may wonder how we can pass whole day sitting on a small chair without drinking a bottle of rum or vodka. I tell you that's what makes women feel better, with very low cost. 

So far, say again, so far, I've make it very well more than the others. I could perfectly control what I felt, I was always stronger than the one who made me desperate, I was able to get over all the hard situation which I faced before. Of course it took days and days to get rid all of them in my brain. Better said, to switch them into a valuable lessen not to repeat the same mistake. Because I'm a strong, independent-minded person, who seems to enjoy her life and to be afraid of nothing. And the truth is, hell yeah, I really am.

The only sad part in this story is, the more I am stronger, the more I am being dryeyed. Sometimes it's just a small thing which if you cry for an hour you'll forget all about what happened. But it's a big question for me, indeed. I try to cry in every way possible to make it, no success on it. Even I put a movie that all the world tell it's really sad and they cried like a 2-year-old baby and it didn't work at all. What I've learnt is, I had to wait until it pops out, as I did a few month ago. Since when I've lost this basic elemental of the human being? 

I'm listening 'Santeria' of Sublime drinking a beer. It's my 'today's bgm' and now it's the only one which makes me comfortable and relax. The sun is shining outside and I can see it through the window where I sitting in front of it. What a beautiful day! Whatever happened to me, I'm still alive, with lot of pleasure, even traveling to every place I want. What a beautiful life! What a blessing I have. So I can live a little more. 

I've come back!

It's been 5 weeks since I left this blog for my own vacation. Um, I can't tell exactly that I've got vacation during that time because I was busier than ever. I took a intensive German class in Bilbao from Monday to Friday (and it finished just yesterday) in the evening I studied to recover my Japanese level that I had 3 years ago, a weekend went to Madrid to meet my old friends in there, had to arrange and book the month-trip for my parents (and the flights have been canceled twice)...... lots of things I've done. 

After all of those things, since yesterday I have the real vacation, without class or study, without planning travel for my parents (because I've made it all!) and all I want to do from now is going to the beach to tan, being lazy under the shining sun, going out with my ladies (especially TODAY!).... blah blah blah.

I think during these 5 weeks, I've changed a bit again. I've learnt to put down things that I can't make it through despite of all of my efforts (especially in a relationship), the best way to enjoy my life with or without foolish (because sometimes you need to be fool), the importance of having someone being around my life, and how to find out my personal legend and perpetuate it (I really love this word from the novel 'the Alchemist'). Of course I composed some more songs for me, and when I sang those songs everybody liked them, yay!

From next week I will be busy again, I should go to the Immigration for the renewal of my student visa, then prepared everything I need before my parents arrive in Spain. And we're gonna visit some friends of mine in Switzerland for a week, and back to Spain again for the 'FIESTA' in Bilbao! Will be great!

I'm off to prepare some plates for the evening, some of my friends' coming today. We will have a Great Single Night just for LADIES at my place. First we're starting with a little chat, picking tiny finger food, then going out to more party in Portugalete! If you're living in that town and you're a girl (guys are not allowed here), you should come out and join us. It's gonna be a legen-dary! Viva Vacation!

Todo va y viene siguiendo el camino que me da

Los remedios que me pueden animar 

(o salvar un poquito de este caos)

1. Dormir todo el día como un muerto 

2. Comer hasta que me sienta gordita o cerda

3. Hacer mucho ejercicio tomando el sol, poniéndome morena

4. Estudiar idiomas que me gustan sintíendome paz

5. Ver miles peliculars sin pensar las tonterías innecesarias

6. Escuchar las canciones de Rock' n Roll que siempre me animan

7. Cocinar o hacer tartas para Boris y Che

8. No hacer las cosas que realmente no quiero y que me siento obligada

9. Qué más?

Basícamente pienso demasiado, necesito desconectarme del mundo aunque sea unos días, luego me recuperaré, o por lo menos podré respirar un poquito más. No sé qué me está pasando pero no me apetece hacer nada. Además ya estoy cansada decir cosas que me molestan, expandíendolo a mis amigos, por lo que he sacado una conclusión que tengo que estar sola un momento. No sé si me funcionará o no, pero no hay otra manera de momento. Ni siquiera me apetece escribir este blog en inglés... apenas estoy despertada, aun parece que sí, sin embargo la respuesta es no. No por siendo negativa, todavía soy una persona que siempre piensa de manera más positiva, por lo que hago lo que estoy haciendo ahora, porque me confio en que me entendeis todo. 

Volveré cuando esté mejor. No tarda mucho tiempo, lo que necesito es solo unos días con mi mismo. Como he escrito para el título, todo va y viene siguiendo el camino que me da la vida. Solo estoy perdida un poco en mi vida y intento buscar el mejor camino para mi y para todos. A veces es mejor no tener nada, a pesar de todo lo que nos puede pasar, pero nadie es capaz de vivir sola. Yo tampoco. 

Bueno, amigos, nos vemos pronto. Quizás vuelvo mañana. Tal vez vuelvo despues de unas semanitas. Pero seguro volvere con la respuesta que me pueda salvar del caos de mi mente. Hasta entonces.

Too many love stories in this world

There are too many love stories in this world, but not for me. Actually I didn't care about it at all but today. 

I was watching "the Best Love", which is a typical korean drama about love story. I didn't use to watch this kind of dramas, however, my favourite actor 'Seung-won Cha (the guy on the pic above)' appears on this series so I watch it every Wednesday and Thursday. He's a real lucky charm for all kind of women (I say that, yeah), even for my mother, she is almost fall in love with him after watching this. 

And suddenly the thing was happened. I was reading a comic book and watching "the Best Love" at the same time, and there was a scene on TV which Cha kissed his girlfriend, and also the main character of the comic book I was reading started to feel love for his co-worker. Those were beautiful scenes, indeed (although I don't like even hate this kind of story line. I still do not understand what kind of caprice I had that moment). Nevertheless, suddenly it caused me a uncontrollable feeling that I couldn't help weeping out. All the painful memories of my past flooded back to me and I burst into tears. I'm still not able to explain what exactly it was, I just guess it was about what I lost, and about what I miss so much. 

It's been a long time since the last time I cried. It astonished me because I've ever thought I would do that again, especially when I'm watching an unextraordinary love story. I can't tell if this is good for me or not, because I've got lost so long in the depth of my mind. I hope and believe that it will change soon my mind in chaos, owing to all the effort given by my friends, by myself. I will be okay. I can make it. I can get through anything, I just need a little bit of time. 

Clases coreano en Bilbao / Korean classes in Bilbao

Clases coreano en Bilbao / Korean classes in Bilbao

Doy clases de coreano particulares.

Soy coreana, doy clases de coreano particulares en zona Bilbao.

Tengo experiencia de ser tutor en coreano e inglés, 

y fue profesora de inglés y traductora de inglés/castellano a coreano en Corea del Sur.

Las clases serán en su domicilio o via skype, sin desplazamientos. 

Horarios preferiblemente por la tarde.

Precios a consultar por e-mail.

Si está interesado aprender coreano, ya sea por motivos de estudio o por trabajo,

no dude ponerse en contactar conmigo.

e-mail : nonsnowstreet@gmail.com

También si necesita traductor español-coreano, 

(traducción de español a coreano, o de coreano a español)

siempre le aconsejo que contacte conmigo sin dudas.

I smile, so I am

Today I bought a ticket to London for October, it was like an instant decision. I hadn't thought enough so after finished all payment I realized that I had to renew my visa before September, and if I haven't got my resident card before then I won't able to realize that travel. Practically, at the airport they won't let me return back to Spain or even won't let me get on the flight to London as they did me in 2009.

So what can I do? It made me regret to have done all the process without any consideration, but just for an instant, no more than a minute. Then I realized other thing, which is, even though I was suffering all night thinking about where I could find a solution, there would be no single thing that could be change, 'cause until I got the situation there would be nothing that I could do, even I didn't know what will be happen then. So I finished throwing time away on it, instead, I put some Rock and Roll music on my iPod and decided to forget about it. Then I could be smiling all the way home. 

QUE SERÁ SERÁ. 

I didn't use to like this phrase but today. What I did is already done. Besides, I don't want to cancel the book, because they won't return my money. I was kind of person who always think about what I've done, but not today, not anymore. The only thing what I want to do is, to loosen my brain whatever happens, only when I'm able to control even the details, I will try to find a solution. What if I don't fine the solution? So what? With this small advanced step I can life more freely, without any useless concern. I'm evolving as a human, learning how to live the real life. Just slowly, but efficiently. This is the way to find happiness, at least, for me.

A story about tangled skein

There was a skein which got tangled.

I tried to unravel it, but it looked impossible.

I was trying for a month, but it seemed there was no way to make it.

Everybody told me it was just wasting time, it was not worth a snap,
but I tried more months alone.

When half year went by, I realized that it was a wasting of time, indeed.

So, I gave it up and threw it away.
And had to spend nights and nights thinking about the untangled skein.

However, it was too late to regret having done that. 

There was another skein which got tangled in the same way.

That time I knew if I tried to unravel it, I would be spending time again for nothing.

So I cut it into pieces, than got every piece joined one to another.

It was kind a trick, like something unnaturally forced,
and was like a lie which would be caught soon. 

However, I could make a sweater with it, and I thought everything had been solved.

 And when I put it on, there were thousands knots which I had done,

and they started pricking all my skin.

I tried to straighten them out before they got worse, it was not possible. 

And that time also, it was too late to regret having done all of that. 

Next time if I find another tangled skein, what do I have to do?

Whatever I will have done, it will just make me regret and let me down. 

What do I have to do?

A positive thinking

Finally it's being finished this month, which was full of exams. I'm heading to the end of May, and have just 2 more exams, will be free soon. What a good news I have. 

If I describe last week a word, I can say a "deja vu". Every evening I thought "this scene is so familiar to me, why?", because all the things I did was only STUDYING at kitchen with Boris. So every time we were at kitchen together studying, seemed to me that I had seen that before. Nevertheless, it's being finished, indeed!

Last Saturday I got an appointment to have lunch with Ainhoa and Eider, so I spent whole morning doing my face and hair, choosing clothes, all the girl things to look pretty :p, than went out to buy some ingredients to make Kimbob (Rice and vegetable rolls with laver and sesame oil, which is typical Korean food for picnic). And as soon as I stepped on the first stair, I twisted my ankle and slipped down as if I was playing on a slide. When I woke up I was lying on the floor, and could feel some trouble on my back and waist. I could hardly walk, but went up the stairs again and arrived at home because I didn't want to being looked by my neighbors. Of course, when I was at home I had to stay on my bed all day suffering from horrible backache. Even couldn't I lift my legs nor arms to change my clothes. 

When I was stuck on the bed, I asked myself, "why did this happen to me?" and made a conclusion, which is, this happened because if I had gone out that day, something more horrible would be happened to me. It was such stupid thought but there was no other way to console myself in my momentary misfortune. Indeed it was so sad being on the bed with full makeup and hair done. Anyway, now I'm better than Saturday, but still feel ache on my back and wrist when I move even slightly.

And today, after exam I stopped  over BBVA for withdrawing money, and I found 400 euros on the ATM machine with a bill. Somebody must have forgotten to bring the money after taking out card, and hadn't come back. I was being tempted for an instance, (because I had spent lot of money last month..) but soon took it out and brought it to bank windows. After that I thought, "if I hadn't handed it something bad would be happen to me to repay this". Time to have positive thinking. Even I can tell it gonna be work or not. 

A contemplation about human nature on the wrong side

If someone ask you how you think about yourself, what will you answer? Or, do you think you're able to reply on it immediately? It's very short and simple question but I'm sure it'll take a plenty of time until you find a proper answer. Sometimes I ask it to myself, and as I'm kind of moody person it depends on the situation in which I am. 

Today, I asked it again, and my answer was "so frustrated". Frustrated in all my attempts to maintain my own world calm and peaceful, frustrated with the circumstance that didn't let me shut my mouth and keep the words, frustrated by people who never stop talking of the others. As I'm Buddhist, I always try to be calm and listen to the others without specific prejudice even though they're criticize me or my friends severely by being different. It doesn't matter for me because I have own firm faith about myself to get through all those things make me shake my resolution. But it doesn't mean I never get hurt. I'm so vulnerable and have got lots of scars by human relationship, despite of all the effort  that I provide in order not to get injured. Fortunately, I'm positive enough to overcome all of it. 

Anyway, I've been so exploded recently, especially today. Everything that existed around me were so annoying and made me sick and tired, I couldn't get rid of it even keep it away with hours of meditation. Instead, I had to persevere all day thinking another good things would happen to me in the future. However, when I got back home, the future which I had expected to make me happy also had let me down. So down. 

Is it evil the human nature? Why do we try everything which can make the others feel disappointed and powerless against their lives? Why can't we keep our mouth shut even for a while? Why everyone wants know about the other's personal secret and likes to spread a rumor about it with no sure? Why is it so important how to live the others and why don't we think about how to live our lives more happily?

One last question, when you've got lost everything that you had by your venom against your friends, how are you gonna excuse about it? That's so sad, really, so sad. I need more meditation, a very long one, maybe an eternal one. 

The difference between Amor and Cariño

Sometimes I realize that I'm too realistic to be beloved. That's why I'm still single, despite of all the facts that drive me into a relationship. To become someone's beloved, I'm too into my little box and always think about the consequence first that will be made. Once when I showed myself completely, and when the relationship finished, it was like to have bombed out my head and somewhere in my mind even thought I wasn't in love. It's more like to be betrayed by someone. As it was a horrible experience and took a long time to recover the injury, I used to deny what I felt, reject the hand given by the others to warm my heart. However, since I decided to change myself I usually demonstrate what I feel, what I think about the others, especially when I'm with him, hoping something inside me gonna change for the better.

But now, I can't tell that was good to have done that. Maybe I was too unripe and too rash to show myself. Or, maybe my being honest became into being too frickin' innocent, giving him a margin to penetrate into my life without having any doubt about his words. I always tried to believe just what I was feeling, seeing and receiving, no matter how fool I've been seem. And I believed that I was doing well, for me, and for him. Sometimes I had to keep silence for a long time in order not to lie to my friends about what was happening between us, because it made them too stressful. Sometimes I had to be as if I didn't exist on the air so as not to bother his own life. During a period, there was no single place that I could stay feeling at ease because I couldn't tell anyone about my real emotion. And it made me be totally a mute especially when I was in front of him. I didn't wanna tell him no single piece of my feeling and I'm sure it made him feel uncomfortable enough, once he told me that he felt like an idiot because he didn't know at all what to do when he was with me.

Um, knowing what to do when you're in a awkward situation is a quite difficult thing. The questions is, why did I make the situation awkward? It's because I thought it would be finished soon the connection between us. So I didn't expected anything else from our situation, such as love or real relationship. I just wanted to be with somebody not to feel lonely. Certainly there is a part of loneliness that can't be fulfilled by friendship, or by familly, and I wanted to get it over passing time with him. Now I know it was a bad decision. It was really bad bad decision. As time goes on, I've become attached to this situation, to him, knowing something is definitely wrong between our fake relationship. It made me more thirsty for the real things, at the same time I was losing the trust about the fact that the love exists. I couldn't feel in love, but didn't wanna put this down because of the CARIÑO (affection in Spanish, it sounds better for me) that I have got.

However, we all know it will be terminated in the course of time. And we're walking down two different road by the consequence of what we've done. I think, I'm in the unbound side, which is headed to the open end, and I wonder which road he is walking along. I guess it is closed the end of that road, because of lots of fact that I can't tell exactly what they are. Is it possible he changes direction? Or should I find another way in order not to hurt myself again? A question without a solution, and never finishes. 

Korean Film recommendation

A few weeks ago, Jason, one of my professor who gives us Tourism English class, asked me to recommend him some Korean movies. It was good news for me that he was interested in it (there are lots of good movies to watch!), so I made the list of movies. As I've mentioned before, there are lots of good movies, especially ROMANCE stuffs (Koreans are so romanticist!). However, on my list there is no romance movie, even no single one, because I HATE THEM! Instead, there are lots of thriller, horror, crime and action movies, my favorites.

If you are also interested in Korean Movies, you can find them easily on any website. I'd like to recommend you to buy DVDs, although we all know that's the hardest way to watch Korean movie in Spain.

Anyway, here is a list of the films, of course there are my favorites!

1. Mr. Socrates - 미스터 소크라테스 (2005) 

Director/writer:  Choi Jin-won 

Cast:  Kim Rae-won, Kang Sin-il and Lee Jong-hyuk 

Synopsis: Ku Dong-hyeok's (Kim Rae-won) life doesn't amount to much. He is a thug in the local mafia organisation and has a father who sits in jail for quite some time already. There is also a younger brother, who he tries to protect from his fate. However, suddenly he gets recruted for a special task within the organisation. He is locked inside a school and is supposed to learn day in and day out under the supervision of a teacher (Kang Shin-il). Dong-hyeoks initial unwillingness slowly but surely fades, when he understands that his life depends on him learning diligently. Later, he also gets to know the reason for his torture: He is supposed to become a policeman, who takes on certain jobs for the organisation. Dong-hyeok's new boss Detective Shin (Lee Jong-hyeok) at first doesn't think much of the rookie, but thanks to the help of his "associates" in the mafia the new recruit can solve some cases in almost no time. Shin decides to take Dong-hyeok under his wings, but soon the recently promoted police officer has to execute his first job for the organisation. Dong-hyeok now has to decide which path to choose... 

2. Public Enemy - 공공의 적 (2002)

Director: Kang Woo-suk 

Cast:  Sul Kyung-gu, Lee Sung-jae and Kang Shin-il 

Synopsis: Ruthless cop Chul-joong and a merciless killer in raincoat run into each other in a small alleyway and form a fatal bond. A free-for-all fight occurs by coincidence on a rainy street. A week later, the dead bodies of an old couple are discovered with multiple stab wounds. Chul-joong suddenly recalls the night he met the man in the raincoat. Chul-joong meets the old couple's son CHO Gyoo-hwan. He has an intuition that CHO is the murder but has no clue. In the meantime, another murder takes place in the same fashion. The showdown between a dirty cop and a killer unfolds, as things get more personal.

3. A Bittersweet Life - 달콤한 인생 (2005)

Director/Writer:  Kim Jee-woon 

Cast:  Lee Byung-hun, Kim Young-chul and Hwang Jung-min 

Synopsis: An elegant sky lounge floating like an island in the sky above Seoul, it's like Sun Woo's own little castle. After 7 years he has climbed to the top, managing the upscale lounge and restaurant. An intelligent, cool-headed perfectionist, Sun Woo has earned the absolute trust of his boss with his undivided loyalty and by adeptly managing the business. His boss, Mr. Kang, is a callous man with a secret -- his young love, Hee-soo. When Mr. Kang suspects Hee-soo might have another boyfriend, he orders Sun-woo to keep a close eye on her and to kill her if she has betrayed him. After following her for a few days, Sun-woo barges in on Hee-soo and her boyfriend with a clear mission -- but to his own surprise, he lets them go. Sun-woo hopes everything will just go back to the way they were. But his decision has launched an irreversible war with the whole gang, guys who were like brothers just the day before.

4. The Good, the Bad, and the Weird - 놈,놈,놈 (2008)

Director:  Kim Ji-woon 

Cast:  Song Kang-ho, Lee Byung-hun and Jung Woo-sung 

Synopsis:  Set in 1930s Japanese occupied Manchuria, tells the story of three Joseon (Korean) mounted bandits who get their hands on a treasure map, only to be pursued by the army of national independence, who believe that the outlaws have a map for a new railway to be built by the Japanese army.

5. Rough Cut - 영화는 영화다 (2008)

Director:  Jang Jin

Cast:  So Ji-sup, Kang Ji-hwan and Hong Su-hyun 

Synopsis: Gang-pae, #2 in his organization, is swamped with routine violence, and his dream of becoming an actor never went away. Star actor Soo-ta lives behind a veil, away from public eyes. Over time his behavior becomes increasingly agitated, provoked by paparazzi wanting a piece of him wherever he goes. This behavior puts him in a series of spiraling and uncontrollable situations. Now he begins shooting a new movie playing a gangster. Because of his bad temper, he beats up a fellow actor and forces the production to a halt. Feeling responsible, Soo-ta requests Gang-pae, whom he met by chance, to play alongside him in the movie in order to save the production. Gang-pae agrees with the condition that the violence portrayed in the movie has to be real and not fake acting violence. Soo-ta accepts the condition and they get ready for the real match.

6. Silmido - 실미도 (2003)

Director:  Kang Woo-suk

Cast:  Ahn Sung-ki, Sul Kyung-gu and Heo Jun-ho

Synopsis: Based on a true story of 1968 Korean Republic Army plan to assassinate North Korean president Kim Il-Sung. 31 criminals and death row inmates are recruited into secret training on the island of Silmi; for two years they are subjected to maximum mental and physical abuse before the mission is cancelled and the unit terminated.

7. Welcome to Dongmakgol - 웰컴 투 동막골 (2005)

Director:  Park Kwang-hyun

Cast:  Jeong Jae-young, Shin Ha-kyun and Kang Hye-jeong

Synopsis: The story is set in Korea during the Korean War in 1950. Soldiers from both the North and South, as well as an American pilot, find themselves in a secluded village, its residents largely unaware of the outside world, including the war.

The film is based on the long-running play by Jang Jin.

8. Tae Guk Gi : the Brotherhood of War - 태극기 휘날리며 (2004)

Director:  Kang Je-kyu

Cast:  Jang Dong-gun, Won Bin and Lee Eun-ju

Synopsis: A drama about the fate of brothers forced to fight in the Korean War.

9. JSA : Joint Security Area - 공동 경비구역 JSA (2000)

Director:  Park Chan-wook

Cast:  Song Kang-ho, Lee Byung-hun and Lee Young-ae

Synopsis: After a shootout at the common security area at the border of the two Koreas, when two soldiers were murdered, Maj. Sophie E. Jean is assigned by the Neutral Nations Supervisory Commission to investigate the incident. The smart Major finds lack of consistency in the statements of the survivors, and in spite of being pressed by her superior, she interviews South Koreans Sgt. Lee Soo-hyeok and private Nam Sung-shik, and the North Korean Sgt. Oh Kyeong-pil, disclosing a tragic story of friendship.

10. Nowhere to Hide - 인정사정 볼것 없다 (1999)

Director:  Lee Myung-se

Cast:  An Sung-ki, Park Jung-hoon and Jang Dong-gun

Synopsis:  Detective Woo is investigating the mysterious 'Forty Steps' murder, along with his fellow police officers. Woo suspects the infamous Chang Sung-min of the murder, but must chase Chang to all corners of Korea for months before he can catch up with the suspect and find out the truth.

11. The Chaser - 추격자 (2008)

Director:  Na Hong-jin  

Cast:  Kim Yun-suk, Ha Jung-woo and Seo Young-hee

Synopsis:  Joong-ho is a dirty detective turned pimp in financial trouble as several of his girls have recently disappeared without clearing their debts. While trying to track them down, he finds a clue that the vanished girls were all called up by a same client whom one of his girls is meeting with right now.

12. Oldboy - 올드보이 (2003)

Director:  Park Chan-wook

Cast:  Choi Min-sik, Yu Ji-tae and Kang Hye-jung

Synopsis:  After being kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years, Oh Dae-Su is released, only to find that he must find his captor in 5 days.

13. Memories of Murder - 살인의 추억 (2003)

Director:  Bong Jun-ho

Cast:  Song Kang-ho, Kim Sang-kyung and Kim Roe-ha

Synopsis:  South Korea in 1986 under the military dictatorship: Two rural cops and a special detective from the capital investigate a series of brutal rape murder. Their crude measures become more desperate with each new corpse found. Based on a true case.

14. Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance - 복수는 나의 것 (2002)

Director:  Park Chan-wook

Cast:  Shin Ha-kyun, Song Kang-ho and Bae Doona

Synopsis:  In Seoul, Ryu, a deaf worker has a sister who needs a kidney transplant. He tries to donate his own kidney to his sister, but his blood type is not compatible with hers. When Ryu is fired from Ilshin Electronics, he meets illegal dealers of organs, and the criminals propose that he give them his kidney plus ten millions Won to obtain a kidney suitable for his sister. Ryu accepts the trade, but he does not have money to pay for the surgery. His anarchist revolutionary girlfriend Cha Young-mi convinces him to kidnap Yossun, the daughter of his former employer Park, who owns Ilshin Electronics. However, a tragedy happens, generating revenge and a series of acts of violence.

15. Thirst - 박쥐 (2009)

Director:  Park Chan-wook

Cast:  Song Kang-ho, Kim Ok-bin and Kim Hae-sook

Synopsis:  Through a failed medical experiment, a priest is stricken with vampirism and is forced to abandon his ascetic ways.

16. The Foul King - 반칙왕 (2000)

Director:  Kim Jee-woon

Cast:  Song Kang-ho, Park Sang-myeon and Go Ho-kyung

Synopsis:  Dae-Ho is an unproductive bank clerk who is late to work every morning and the object of his manager's frustrations. He was a fan of TV wrestling as a child, but can't get out of a headlock. He finds a local wrestling trainer and through a series of events eventually starts to train. He is slowly transformed as he begins his second job as the cheating villain wrestler known as the Foul King. He starts to stand up for himself in odd ways that are not really in his own best interest. Events get out of hand as conflicting influences come together.

17. The King and the Clown - 왕의 남자 (2005)

Director:  Lee Jun-ik

Cast:  Lee Jun-ki, Kam Woo-sung and Jeong Jin-young

Synopsis:  Two clowns living in the Chosun Dynasty get arrested for staging a play that satirizes the king. They are dragged to the palace and threatened with execution, but are given a chance to save their lives if they can make the king laugh.

18. Running Boy - 말아톤 (2005)

Director:  Jung Yoon-chul

Cast:  Cho Seung-woo, Kim Mi-sook and Lee Gi-young

Synopsis:  The movie follows the story of a young man with autism, named Cho-Won, who finds release only in running. As a child, Cho-Won regularly threw tantrums, bit himself, and refused to communicate with others -- finding solace only in zebras and the Korean snack, Chocopie. His mother never gave up on him and was determined to prove to the world that her child can be normal. As Cho-Won gets older, he begins to find a passion for running and his mother is there to encourage and support him. Even though both Mother and Cho-Won suffer from family and financial issues, they find a former marathon champion -- now a lethargic old man with alcohol problems....

19. Peppermint Candy - 박하사탕 (1999)

Director:  Lee Chang-Dong

Cast:  Sul Kyung-Gu, Moon So-Ri and Kim Yeo-Jin

Synopsis:  At the beginning of the film, in the year 1999, the main character Yong-ho wanders to a reunion of his old student group. After causing some general mayhem with his deranged antics, he leaves and climbs atop a nearby train track. Facing an oncoming train, he exclaims "I want to go back again!". What follows is a series of prior events in the main character's life that show how he became the suicidal man portrayed in this scene...

20. Oasis - 오아시스 (2002)

Director:  Lee Chang-dong

Cast:  Sul Kyung-gu, Moon So-ri and An Nae-sang

Synopsis:  Jong-du, a young man just out of prison for manslaughter, is a social misfit: fidgety, snuffling, laughing inappropriately, without a super ego. When released, he calls on the family of the victim; they send him away, but not before he has seen Gong-ju, a young woman disabled severely by cerebral palsy. Both are abused by their families, and both are used by them as well. Although their relationship begins with Jong-du's criminal behavior, a friendship develops. They talk of favorite things; he washes her hair; they go out; in late night phone calls, he helps her past her fears of the dark. Is there a place in the world for these two inarticulate people? 

21. Spring Summer Fall Winter... and Spring - 봄, 여름, 가을, 겨울 그리고 봄 (2003)

Director:  Kim Ki-duk

Cast:  Kim Ki-duk, Oh Yeong-su and Kim Jong-ho

Synopsis:  This film takes place in an isolated lake, where an old monk lives on a small floating temple. The wise master has also a young boy with him that teaches to become a monk. And we watch as seasons and years pass by.

22. Mother - 마더 (2009)

Director:  Bong Joon-ho

Cast:  Won Bin, Kin Hye-ja and Jin Ku

Synopsis:  A high school girl is discovered dead on a rooftop in town, shocking the residents and pressuring the incompetent police to find the killer. With only circumstantial evidence placing Do-joon near the scene of the crime, the police are happy with their cursory investigation and arrest the boy. His defense attorney is unreliable, and the police trick Do-joon into signing a confession, leaving him facing a long jail sentence. The police could not figure out why and who would display the girl's dead body on the rooftop where the entire town is in plain view. The mother, horrified and unconvinced that Do-joon is even capable of murder, gets involved in unraveling the details of the murder and the background of the victim to try and prove her son's innocence. She scours the town, uncovering salacious details of the girl's life, allying with Jin-tae, who was surprisingly sympathetic towards her plight, and unsettling everyone around her in her determined quest for justice. 

23. Attack the Gas Station - 주유소 습격사건 (1999)

Director:  Kim Sang-jin

Cast:  Lee Sung-jae, Yu Oh-sung, Kang Sung-il and Yu Ji-tae

Synopsis:  A quartet of disaffected Korean youths have robbed a Seoul gas station. Later, while hanging out in a Chinese noodle shop, they decide to rob the same gas station. After taking the gas station over, their wacky antics ensue; forcing the manager to sing, kidnapping customers that complain about the service, and staging fist-fights between street gang members and gas station employees; all of these reflect their own gripes against society.

24. The Host - 괴물 (2006)

Director:  Bong Jun-ho

Cast:  Song Kang-ho, Park Hae-il, Bae Doona and Byeon Hae-bong

Synopsis:  A monster emerges from Seoul's Han River and focuses its attention on attacking people. One victim's loving family does what it can to rescue her from its clutches.

25. Tazza : The High Rollers - 타짜 (2006)

Director:  Choi Dong-hoon

Cast:  Kim Hye-soo, Cho Seung-woo, Yu Hae-jin and Baek Yun-shik

Synopsis:  A guy with a talent for cards makes his way into the dangerous world of underground gambling in this crime thriller from South Korea. Go-ni (Jo Seung-woo) is a small-town guy with a big appetite for gambling. Convinced he?s on a hot streak one evening during a card game, Go-ni bets his life savings on a hand of hwatu, only to lose to a crooked cardsharp. Determined to get revenge, Go-ni sets out to find the guy who cheated him and win back his money.

26. Haeundae : Tidal Wave (2009)

Director:  Yun Ji-kyun

Cast:  Sul Kyung-gu, Ha Ji-won, Um Jung-hwa and Park Jung-hoon

Synopsis:  Located on the southeast tip of the Korean peninsula is the international city of Busan. A popular vacation spot on the East Sea coast, Haeundae draws one million visitors to its beaches every year. Man-sik and Yeon-hee, are unsure as to whether they can overcome past wounds and continue being a couple. Dr. Kim, who cautions against a possible mega-tsunami at Haeundae, collapses in agony springing from an unexpected turn-up of his daughter and divorced wife. Hyoung-sik, after rescuing a woman from Seoul, rides out a ferocious storm to gladden her heart. A tsunami which destroys Haeundae symbolizes the establishment of a typical axis called provocation of conflicts, and later the inner spaces of the couples without anything left behind after all conflicts have ended.

Why don't you have Korean Movie Time Tonight?