It's bit complicated

During weekend I kept going out with my friends, but it couldn't make me so as not to feel depressed. Actually it wasn't a big deal my problems which keep irritating me for a long time. Still, I was obsessed an idea that there was no single way to settle it, and made myself be more blue and blue. My friends noticed it and they tried so hard to cheer me up, I was so sorry but it didn't work. I had to hide my anxiety with a forced smile in order not to let my friends down, and I was half-succeed. 

Anyway, if someone ask me what is my concern, I can't tell exactly what I'm thinking. My friends made several attempts but all of them just failed. I'd like to tell about those things but not now. When it comes the moment to tell everyone (even though I thought it would never come) I will, but not now. 

The matter is, I'm not able to hide my emotion like a professional, so everyone can notice easily how I feel, and I'm very sorry about creating uncomfortable atmosphere. Okay, at least I've started to eat again as before, I got no more anorexia but INSOMNIA. What a beautiful life, strong mental do I have? What is worse, I broke my Buddhist rosary. Although I don't pray at all, it always helped me when I just brought it on my wrist. 

I should have been stronger, smarter and more calm. I can not help blaming myself.

Give me just a bit of peace. 

New friend from Italy

Yesterday I met a guy from Italy through the good offices of my friend, he was traveling Bilbao since Friday. My friend and he had known each other through the web page "CouchSurfing (http://www.couchsurfing.org/)", and as he had no idea about the city he had sent an e-mail to my friend, then we had got an appointment in Plaza Moyua. 

Before the appointment I went to Mrs.Delfina's house owing to that she had invited me to lunch with her family. She made me a gorgeous lunch ever, although I couldn't eat enough as she wanted me.

Then I arrived Moyua, but my friend was still on her way in, so I tried to find the guy first. I found him easily because he was the only one who had big camera hanged on the neck in the Plaza. His name was Francisco (I'm not sure if I get to write down like that or there is the other way to write his name correctly..) and seemed so friendly like.  And he was. Soon my friend arrived too so we took a walk through the city, she explained us about everything that we met on the way and it was quite nice guide tour for him, and for me, too.

After looking around Casco Viejo, we entered a bar to have some drink. I'd like to get some beer but I had problem with anorexia, so I ordered just a bottle of Coke. (What a pity!) We were chatting about everything as if we were old friends, (that's the attraction which my friend has, she always makes the others be comfortable) until her boyfriend came to the bar. 

No surprises (or no anorexia)

In this days I can't eat well, maybe it's better saying that I almost do not eat at all, I extend my life only drinking orange juice or taking a small bit of chocolates.. This symptoms has started since last week, I've thought that it would pass me soon like the other days, because it had usually occured to me since I was fifteen. However, at those moments I always got a plenty of excuses to explain the situation but not today. I can't tell why I got this horrible anorexia again and when it finishes, just try so hard to put something into my mouth not to be fainted, so as to survive. I've already lost 3 kg for 4 days and need to make one more hole in my belt, it's getting loose.

Anyway today is my first day at school in 2011. As I had to cheer myself little bit up I ate some cereal for breakfast, but it couldn't help me dealing with the study for 6 hours at class. So at the coffee breaks I went to a cafe which I usually go with my classmates. It was unlikely that I could even drink something, but I ordered a cup of coffee and drank it although I didn't want it at all, because it seemed like it was my duty doing that, indeed.

I understand that I have to eat more, and I'm not proud of losing weight. I know this is just my problem and I made all of this from somewhere deep down in my mind. Nevertheless it's really bothering me eating something, I don't even want to drink water, how fantastic! I feel hungry but don't wanna eat anything at all, what's wrong with me? I feel totally empty both in the head and the stomach. Without eating I could hardly think things that happen to me.... Now I don't even know what I'm doing here, and why I'm doing this. There is a huge confusion in my mind. If I keep this state I'll no longer be able to wake up in the morning.

After coming back home from school I prepared a bowl of tuna salad with olive, (the truth is I had enough food in the refrigerator) and it took almost 2 hours until I finished it. What's in my mind? Why I deny and don't respect myself like this? I now perceive that I am so frickin' stupid. I'm getting things that could ruin lives besides the anorexia. I should conquer this desperate situation on my own, knowing that, however I need somebody to save me from this agony. Indeed, I need somebody badly. Every time when I feel this I let me down more and more by the thought that I'm not strong enough to live through. Whatever, whatever I'm doing now I should stop it.

It's time to make some change.

Great German Christmas

Last week I went to Germany to have the time of my life with my friend in there. Yes, it was nicer than I had expected, except the fact that I had got some problem with my flight from the first time and it took almost 15 hour the journey from Madrid to Bochum (If I hadn't got any problem I would arrive in 2 hour and half).

Long story short, when I was drinking coffee reading a newspaper at the departure lounge in the Barajas airport,  I heard that my flight to Dusseldorf had canceled by the snowstorm. It wasn't the first time that I got problem in Madrid airport so I went out with composure to ask someone who might have got any solution. There was long line in front of the office due to three flights had canceled (to London, to Brussels and to Dusseldorf), even some girls were crying because we were in the 24th December, and if you got lost the flight you would have to wait til the 26th. 

Anyway, I was lucky. There were 4 seat for the flight to Frankfurt which had been canceled, they gave me the ticket to Frankfurt and explained me that there would be a train station at the Frankfurt airport where I could directly get a train to Dusseldorf. It was bit attractive offer for me at the moment, because I didn't have any other option. If I couldn't go to Germany, I had to stay at the airport until 26th December, there was no transportation to go back to Bilbao. So I started to run to the gate so as not to bump the flight, then when I arrived there there was no airplane. I thought that I had missed it but I didn't. The flight delayed almost 4 hours!

Luckily, I met some people who were in the same situation as mine, we waited patiently together. And finally the flight arrived so we rode in the airplane. Since then the tragedy started. Suddenly I had fever and cough, I was almost dead on the plane. Besides, when we arrived at the Frankfurt airport, we realized that we were 2 hours far from the 'real' Frankfurt. There was no train station, even no airport limousine. The guys who I'd met at the Barajas disappeared since we arrived so I was alone in the snowstorm wearing just leather jacket. Again, luckily, I found a bus which was going to 'real' Frankfurt, as there was no way to arrive to my destination I took it. On the bus, I was shivering so hard by fever and the biting cold, trying not to faint. After two hours I finally arrived at the Frankfurt Main Station and narrowly took the last train. According to the itinerary it had take just 2 hours to Bochum where my friend lives, but the truth is, it took almost 4 hours. Nevertheless I think I was lucky that I could arrive to Bochum in the blizzard. 

Anyway from the next day (it was Christmas) I started to be sick, couldn't eat anything even couldn't sleep by fever. Everytime I tried to sleep I got horrible nightmare. At the final of my journey, my friend and her mother also got sick, so we were lying on the sofa together doing nothing the last two days. It was pity that we could enjoy the Christmas more, but I was okay just to be with them. I met some of their family and all of them were so nice and lovely. 

Now I see those pics and miss the snow.. the snow-filled landscape. It was nice experience. I won't forget my 2010 Christmas ever.