I didn't know what was wrong. He got so angry and left me alone at the door.
Now theres no one here listen to my story, no more. So I choose you. Random you.
I don´t mind if you judge me, the only thing I need is someone to listen to my story.
After he's gone, I left alone at the door crying for a while. I felt miserable, desperate, confused and hopeless. He may call me as 'Drama Queen' again. But this is me. I´m this kind of person who are not able to let the grief go easily.
This doesn't mean we've broken up. He will come back later and I will be back after 9 hours work. We'll probably pretend there's nothing happened this morning as always we do, keeping what really happened this morning in mind.
He told me, that if I'm not happy, then I should have known what to do. I know what I should do in that case, that's the last thing I want. I don't know how he feels. If he find out this blog, will he be angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? I can't imagine it, I'm just afraid of it. My people shouldn't realize that this exists. Maybe I should have started another blog, deleting this forever. This had been forgotten for more than 3 years, so I thought this should be safe to write down my feelings without being frightened to be found.
I told him that we wouldn't last one year in this way, it bothered him too much, he answered me that we wouldn't last not even one month if I behaved like this. I was trying to make things right, if my way was so wrong... but why? I don't understand. I'm just confused and afraid, got lost, don't know what to do.
I prepared his lunch crying. That was the only thing I could do for the moment. I didn't want him to be angry with me. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to be alone again. But this feels so wrong. I've never imagined my life this miserable. I know it's me who's making myself miserable. So should I change again? How? I feel so weak that I start to hate myself.
I tried to call my psychologist, Elena, but it seemed she was busy. She told she would get back to me in three hours. Later she called but I didn't pick up the call because I knew the answer she would give me. Leave him. Let yourself free. She's the kind of person, who has their own opinion and never let the others to decide when she thinks it's correct for her. She helped me to leave the previous work, which was practically killing me. She helped me to decide to move on, to start the life together here in Barcelona because that was the only thing I wanted. So I avoided her after asking for help because I didn't want to hear the answer. So coward I am. I started to hate myself.
There are so many things of mine, so many stupid things of mine that bother him so much. Annoy him. Upset him. And I haven't changed at all, I forget he hates them every time I repeat those things. Maybe I need to check my head? He says this is a matter of interest. I'm not interest in his words, so I do the same thing. Impossible. His words are one of the important things in my life, but I have no excuses, because I forget his words every time I repeat things that upset him. No excuses. All my reasons to justify that there's a reason why I do that, are just excuses. I have no excuses for that, either. Why is he so strict with me? He may be just tired of me. Sick of me. Because I do the very same thing he told not. He's lack of tolerance for me. I wasted them all doing stupid things that I shouldn't do. The stupid things that nobody had told me they were stupid in my whole life.
I blame the different culture we have. I blame that he's a guy and I'm a woman. I blame myself for being so Drama Queen. Maybe this is nothing, I'm just overeating, I apologize him and he left without looking me in the eye. If he finds this he will laugh at me, saying that I'm overacting again. That's not fair. I don't want this any more.
He should know I have nobody here in Spain, only him. He should know that he's the only one who can actually listen to me, take care of me, love me.. He loves me but he doesn't have more patience to listen to my story. SO HE LEFT. My words are just sprouted here in a random space to random listeners. This doesn't feel correct. This makes me so angry that I can't help crying again. I'm so weak.. I never used to be this weak.. Why is it so hurt? Why being together has to be a bitter pill?
