Losing hope is easy, dreaming is difficult

 

 Today I've been looking pics from old days, when I was in Korea. I found so many pictures of my band, then they set me thinking. What a precious moment I had with it. Watching videos recorded by some of our friends, reminding things we did, lot of fun we had, all the sweet thoughts made me happy for some time. 

I always wanted to be a rock star. Since I started to play guitar, I used to picture myself playing guitar on a stage. And one day when I woke up, I was playing my music with friends, and there were people who listened our music. But I still imagined something bigger than I had at the moment and wanted to be more and more famous. After 3 years with that band, I realized that I (or we) hadn't grown at all, it really bothered me so I need some change. There were many discussions but conclusion. Finally I put down my guitar then left Korea because I wanted to vary (better said, to change) the routine. I was eager to find something special which can fill my life with more pleasure. I'm still looking for it traveling around world and haven't find anything yet.

And it is, I miss that moment a lot. Playing guitar on a stage, singing OUR song, watching people who are dancing with OUR songs and drinking all night with my friends laughing at nothing. Especially when I feel so lonely, here in Spain, this feeling let me fall apart. Sometimes I'm so lost and don't know where I'm heading to, for what I'm walking along this road that I've chosen and why I've chosen this way. Knowing there's no answer for me and only I can make it, I feel so cut off from the outside world. Of course I got friends here who I can talk to. However, it's bit different. Who knows me for many years and understands me perfectly without words even what I'm doing is totally a bull shit, I need them. The one who just need a beer to be with me, and never be serious whatever I've done, and tells me "you such a stupid creature! haha"

For one step ahead, shouldn't look back what I've done, especially when it let me down. At the moment, I'm too tired to walk another step. Maybe it's time to take a rest AGAIN. 

I miss you guys. I miss you so much. 

The wave that rolls your life

Every women face some occasion which is deadly stupid and have to pour oil on troubled waters once in her life. All they have to do is punch the fucked up face which is standing in front of them. Because most of those situations just have very little value, or is of no value whatever. That's how I live and survive so far, being alone out of my country. However, if the wave is too hard to pass over, it sticks on my head for a while teasing me so hard. Like yesterday.

But I think I've get it over again, although it costed a bit to. Better think positive and forget what happened than being felt betrayed whole day doing nothing. How can a woman be stronger than usual? In my opinion, there are 3 answers. 

The first one is, if some super hard thing passed in her life, even though she was a shy little innocent who barely talk with the others even liked be alone calmly reading books, she changes in certain way. Of course there's other possibility that she becomes more introverted even inhibited person. But fortunately in my case I was the opposite. Thanks mom bring me up so affirmative one. 

The second one is, she's born strong woman. That's not my case, I think.

The last one is, have friends who always stand by her side. Drinking a cup of coffee at a cafeteria with her friends, chewing the fat all day, as you can see everywhere women are or even on TV. If you're a guy you may wonder how we can pass whole day sitting on a small chair without drinking a bottle of rum or vodka. I tell you that's what makes women feel better, with very low cost. 

So far, say again, so far, I've make it very well more than the others. I could perfectly control what I felt, I was always stronger than the one who made me desperate, I was able to get over all the hard situation which I faced before. Of course it took days and days to get rid all of them in my brain. Better said, to switch them into a valuable lessen not to repeat the same mistake. Because I'm a strong, independent-minded person, who seems to enjoy her life and to be afraid of nothing. And the truth is, hell yeah, I really am.

The only sad part in this story is, the more I am stronger, the more I am being dryeyed. Sometimes it's just a small thing which if you cry for an hour you'll forget all about what happened. But it's a big question for me, indeed. I try to cry in every way possible to make it, no success on it. Even I put a movie that all the world tell it's really sad and they cried like a 2-year-old baby and it didn't work at all. What I've learnt is, I had to wait until it pops out, as I did a few month ago. Since when I've lost this basic elemental of the human being? 

I'm listening 'Santeria' of Sublime drinking a beer. It's my 'today's bgm' and now it's the only one which makes me comfortable and relax. The sun is shining outside and I can see it through the window where I sitting in front of it. What a beautiful day! Whatever happened to me, I'm still alive, with lot of pleasure, even traveling to every place I want. What a beautiful life! What a blessing I have. So I can live a little more.