Fall in love with Falling in love

It may have been two or three weeks ago. I was having dinner with some friends at my house. Suddenly, we started to talk about how we feel about our life at the moment, and I found that I was surprisingly satisfied with my 24-year-old life. There was just one thing that I felt a bit miserable, I haven't been in love. 

If someone ask me how it's possible, I don't know the answer. Maybe it's because I'm too realistic. I don't basically understand what the other feel about LOVE. I'm just eager to know about it, wonder how it does work... So far I met several guys who fell in love with me, all the time this happened to me I couldn't understand them, because I wasn't aware of any connection between us. I didn't even noticed what I was doing to make them confused, to feel as if they were falling in love with me (frankly, I didn't do anything, was just being myself as always). By the way, when someone told me "I think I'm falling in love with you" it was really a big shock to me and made me want to escape. Because I just thought he was my friend, no more than that.  

If I write my so-called "love story", I can summarize it like this, in same plot. 

A guy tells me that he falls in love with me.

I don't understand why.

He asks me to be his girlfriend.

I warn him that he should be careful with that because he doesn't know me at all, and I'm not as good with the matter of relationship as he thinks. 

He tells me he doesn't care, and asks me again to be his girlfriend.

I warn him again, but he doesn't listen to me.

I accept the SUGGESTION.

He starts to be heartbroken, owing to the fact that I'm not a kind of girl that he have imagined before, and starts to ask me how I feel about our relationship.

I try to PAY more ATTENTION to him.

He tells me that I don't love him.

I can't deny it, keep silence because I don't know what to say. 

He gets hurt.

I tell him that he should find other girl who is adequate for him. 

He waits for me to change, and I wait for him to admit the real "me".

He leaves me saying that I'm a kind of cold heart, or that he doesn't want to bother me anymore. 

I smile, telling him that he will be happier than now with the other person. 

The relation finishes. 

As the result of this, I've been hesitating to meet someone, as I don't wanna get someone hurt anymore.. actually it hurts me more. They started to love me, with the image of mine that they had created on their own, and as I was so different from that image they were being disappointed with me, got hurt themselves and finally left me, or I made them leave me because I couldn't stand it either. 

Anyway, so far I wans't able to be in love by lots of facts, and as time goes by I am being eager to experience what love is, how it makes me feel. It's very curious when I think about some of my friends who keep their relationship for 7 years or more than that. How can I describe this feeling? Curiosity? Envy? 

One told me, "It's better not to know about what love is, than to get injured by being left when love finishes." He may be right, but I don't think so. Now what I need is falling in love with somebody, even though sometimes it makes me cry all night, I wanna feel my heart beats thick toward someone who I love so much and who makes me shiver when I think just his name. ......It sounds bit stupid, indeed.

So far, I was pessimistic enough with the matter of that feeling so called "LOVE", so always tried to deny it. However, I've been changed. It happened suddenly. One day I realized that the life is too short to hide one's own feeling about the other, it seemed wasting time. (And the world will terminate in 2012, we're in hurry!) Since then, I demonstrate immediately to the others what I feel instead of keep quite, without any hesitation or embellishment. It costs a lot for me, but I keep trying. And I'm sure someday I will find my love in this way.

Love and Peace for me!