Forever alone?

Finally the internship has started since yesterday. I've been two days at hotel working as receptionist, and I'm so satisfied even happy with it. There are still so many things I have to learn but it really feels good that I'm a useful one for someone, because I'd been feeling so far that I was totally worthless, annoying and forgotten. It was a stupid idea, however, I am being a coward which I never was. I guess that's what the aging does. You get hurt by people who thought you knew them well, as your friends, or sometimes you even felt they were almost your family and you would never been separated, and one day you realize there's nobody to be with you. I'd like to name this moment, "the time to be back home sweet home", because there's always your "real" family who are counting days and days to see you again. It does make sense, doesn't it?

I thought I was well integrated in this society, I may have been wrong. I may have been trying to find something that I couldn't afford to. Really? Everything was so perfect that I didn't realize they were all fake things. I believed that all I had, would last forever. Of course they're not. Does it mean that all the way I've walked are wrong? So do people leave me without giving any clue why they do that? Or am I so sensitive?

This situation is also one of the reasons why I love working. When I am busy, there's not even single second to think about the answers of this stupid questions, and it makes me happy that there's someone who needs me even though it's just temporal. Maybe people just get so busy as I am (in this case, the difference among us is, I want to be more and more busy in order to escape from the real world, and they don't want to be but have to) and they have no time to care about me. Now it sounds I'm even retarded. I wonder what people want. And want to ask them: Am I a coward because I'm suffering from all you did to me but keep trying to avoid losing you, or are you a coward because you have something uncomfortable in your mind with me and just decide not to care about me despite of all the words you told me, as if I do not exist in your life since the first time? I can't stand it! I don't feel like to be a part of the human race. We're so cruel, so mean, and so stupid.