If someone ask you how you think about yourself, what will you answer? Or, do you think you're able to reply on it immediately? It's very short and simple question but I'm sure it'll take a plenty of time until you find a proper answer. Sometimes I ask it to myself, and as I'm kind of moody person it depends on the situation in which I am.
Today, I asked it again, and my answer was "so frustrated". Frustrated in all my attempts to maintain my own world calm and peaceful, frustrated with the circumstance that didn't let me shut my mouth and keep the words, frustrated by people who never stop talking of the others. As I'm Buddhist, I always try to be calm and listen to the others without specific prejudice even though they're criticize me or my friends severely by being different. It doesn't matter for me because I have own firm faith about myself to get through all those things make me shake my resolution. But it doesn't mean I never get hurt. I'm so vulnerable and have got lots of scars by human relationship, despite of all the effort that I provide in order not to get injured. Fortunately, I'm positive enough to overcome all of it.
Anyway, I've been so exploded recently, especially today. Everything that existed around me were so annoying and made me sick and tired, I couldn't get rid of it even keep it away with hours of meditation. Instead, I had to persevere all day thinking another good things would happen to me in the future. However, when I got back home, the future which I had expected to make me happy also had let me down. So down.
Is it evil the human nature? Why do we try everything which can make the others feel disappointed and powerless against their lives? Why can't we keep our mouth shut even for a while? Why everyone wants know about the other's personal secret and likes to spread a rumor about it with no sure? Why is it so important how to live the others and why don't we think about how to live our lives more happily?
One last question, when you've got lost everything that you had by your venom against your friends, how are you gonna excuse about it? That's so sad, really, so sad. I need more meditation, a very long one, maybe an eternal one.
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