Sometimes I realize that I'm too realistic to be beloved. That's why I'm still single, despite of all the facts that drive me into a relationship. To become someone's beloved, I'm too into my little box and always think about the consequence first that will be made. Once when I showed myself completely, and when the relationship finished, it was like to have bombed out my head and somewhere in my mind even thought I wasn't in love. It's more like to be betrayed by someone. As it was a horrible experience and took a long time to recover the injury, I used to deny what I felt, reject the hand given by the others to warm my heart. However, since I decided to change myself I usually demonstrate what I feel, what I think about the others, especially when I'm with him, hoping something inside me gonna change for the better.
But now, I can't tell that was good to have done that. Maybe I was too unripe and too rash to show myself. Or, maybe my being honest became into being too frickin' innocent, giving him a margin to penetrate into my life without having any doubt about his words. I always tried to believe just what I was feeling, seeing and receiving, no matter how fool I've been seem. And I believed that I was doing well, for me, and for him. Sometimes I had to keep silence for a long time in order not to lie to my friends about what was happening between us, because it made them too stressful. Sometimes I had to be as if I didn't exist on the air so as not to bother his own life. During a period, there was no single place that I could stay feeling at ease because I couldn't tell anyone about my real emotion. And it made me be totally a mute especially when I was in front of him. I didn't wanna tell him no single piece of my feeling and I'm sure it made him feel uncomfortable enough, once he told me that he felt like an idiot because he didn't know at all what to do when he was with me.
Um, knowing what to do when you're in a awkward situation is a quite difficult thing. The questions is, why did I make the situation awkward? It's because I thought it would be finished soon the connection between us. So I didn't expected anything else from our situation, such as love or real relationship. I just wanted to be with somebody not to feel lonely. Certainly there is a part of loneliness that can't be fulfilled by friendship, or by familly, and I wanted to get it over passing time with him. Now I know it was a bad decision. It was really bad bad decision. As time goes on, I've become attached to this situation, to him, knowing something is definitely wrong between our fake relationship. It made me more thirsty for the real things, at the same time I was losing the trust about the fact that the love exists. I couldn't feel in love, but didn't wanna put this down because of the CARIÑO (affection in Spanish, it sounds better for me) that I have got.
However, we all know it will be terminated in the course of time. And we're walking down two different road by the consequence of what we've done. I think, I'm in the unbound side, which is headed to the open end, and I wonder which road he is walking along. I guess it is closed the end of that road, because of lots of fact that I can't tell exactly what they are. Is it possible he changes direction? Or should I find another way in order not to hurt myself again? A question without a solution, and never finishes.
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