I'm losing control

Finally I lost control of myself. And I say, this must be the last time that I won't let me repeat this stupidity again.

Last night was a party night. My roommates and I had invited some of my classmates for dinner to our place, before going out to party. The party was about the celebration of the ending of our course. They arrived at our house one by one and we enjoyed the meal, although I didn't prepared many things.

About 11 o'clock, the door bell rang. It was our neighbor. She told me it was too late to make noise, so we had to leave the house. We headed to WAGON, the bar in which our English teacher Jason worked. I can't explain exactly what it was about but I was in a bad mood from that moment. I guess, it was the mixed feeling of the anger toward my roommates with the frustration about myself, because I'd been explaining all evening why my roommates didn't join us and why they were just closed themselves in their tiny room, and didn't come out to drink with us. It was not the first time, and I had to sorry about it at least ten times. Of course, my roommates had enough reason. One had to study for the exam of next Monday, and the other had a sore throat that didn't want to party. I understood them totally, but as that situation had repeated a thousand of times, I was about to explode myself. As I told before it was not the first time that I was alone with the visitors. In addition, all of them had came home expecting that finally they could have a party with my roommates who had never gone out with them, and before that party we had made an agreement among three of us that we would be together all night long. So I couldn't help myself being uncomfortable with the situation.

Needless to say, I knew very clearly the fact that I could not force somebody to join something when one didn't want to. But what could I say? We're young, we have a duty for enjoying our life, making friends, ... maybe it sounded like an obligation for my roommates, even though I just told them as their friend, not someone special.

Anyway, we arrived at WAGON and another party began. There was literally nobody at the bar but us owing to the Carnival of Portugalete. I was still feeling bad and didn't even try to hide that feeling, was a bit drunken. All I wanted to do was being isolated from my group to keep calm myself, not to be the wet blanket. But it finally happened, nevertheless I tried not to spoil the atmosphere.

After I stepped out for a minute, I found a mess when I came back to the bar. There was a couple disappeared, there was a drunken wanderer who was running around everywhere, there was a sad girl who thought nobody loved her, there was a discussion, there were people complaining about the disappeared couple, there were people quarreling, someone crying.... everything I could imagine that it would possibly happen even though we were just eleven. And one by one came to me and started talking about everything happening around. I usually like to listening to people's story, but not that time. And I realized, all the thing was happening because of me. Because I cared about things that was not my business at all, and wanted to look after all of them. I flung out of the bar with a cup of coca-cola, but couldn't escape from all of these things, because I found another one crying on the ground as soon as I walked out.

Then the fuse is blown. I threw the cup into the wall, gave all the money that I had to my roommate, then left the bar. I thought I could solve all the problem that they had told me, but how? I was not the special one, I was the same human thing as they were. I'd like to have been able to help them, but how? Did it happen because I put my nose into everything? Why did I do that? Did I think I was so special that I could help everyone's problem? Why did this happen to me? All I wanted was everyone's happiness, but why? Why didn't I look on in silence? Thousand of questions passed. I was so confused, so angry with everything especially with myself  by having committed an error. I ran away from the bar. In the corner, I hung my head in shame. The shame, that I showed them myself without control, the shame, that I screwed up everything, the shame, how dare I thought I could help the other's problems, the shame, about all the word spurted out from my mouth until then, the shame, about being myself.

Then I found out that I'm a worthless one. I should have minded just my own business. I had no power to change the world. All the thing I did thinking it would help somebody, caused more trouble. I lost the ground to be. I'm even a trouble maker than a peace maker. And now... I don't know what to do. I'm losing control. I'm so afraid that if I do something, it will be wrong for the others. Who am I? Where am I and what the heck am I doing here?