I keep wondering what would have happened if my grandma is still alive. We would be probably not so close as we are right now. Strange story, she does not belong to this world and I could feel her everywhere as if she became a part of my soul.
Buddhism is one of the heritage she left me when she passed away. I never thought about it in my 24-years-old life (it is already 7 years ago) and when I faced her sudden death that no one from my family was prepared for, I tried so hard to find connection between us, and realized that there was any.
That was the moment I choosed her religion, so we would be connected in any ways and keep her memories alive.
Today I though a lot about her, what would she tell if she sees me. She, despite I never visited her except by the obligation until she got Alzheimer in her 90's, knew me very well. At least, that was the feeling I got. She knew that I was not made to be tied in a small country and persuaded my mother to let me fly away. Who would ever know, she was in her 90's, with Alzheimer and cancer, but had more clear mind than anyone.
Her picture is always on my neck, she keeps me alive, she makes me feel protected. After her death, she became the light on my path. So ironic, we never had a decent conversation while we were there, but after her death, we became best friend.
I would like to know, what would have happened if she had been here next to me. I miss her lullaby with the soft patting on the stomach. I miss her reading scriptures in clumsy way. I miss her white hair and her summer hats. I miss her small room with tidy closet. I miss being free and alive as she wanted me to be.
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