A positive thinking

Finally it's being finished this month, which was full of exams. I'm heading to the end of May, and have just 2 more exams, will be free soon. What a good news I have. 

If I describe last week a word, I can say a "deja vu". Every evening I thought "this scene is so familiar to me, why?", because all the things I did was only STUDYING at kitchen with Boris. So every time we were at kitchen together studying, seemed to me that I had seen that before. Nevertheless, it's being finished, indeed!

Last Saturday I got an appointment to have lunch with Ainhoa and Eider, so I spent whole morning doing my face and hair, choosing clothes, all the girl things to look pretty :p, than went out to buy some ingredients to make Kimbob (Rice and vegetable rolls with laver and sesame oil, which is typical Korean food for picnic). And as soon as I stepped on the first stair, I twisted my ankle and slipped down as if I was playing on a slide. When I woke up I was lying on the floor, and could feel some trouble on my back and waist. I could hardly walk, but went up the stairs again and arrived at home because I didn't want to being looked by my neighbors. Of course, when I was at home I had to stay on my bed all day suffering from horrible backache. Even couldn't I lift my legs nor arms to change my clothes. 

When I was stuck on the bed, I asked myself, "why did this happen to me?" and made a conclusion, which is, this happened because if I had gone out that day, something more horrible would be happened to me. It was such stupid thought but there was no other way to console myself in my momentary misfortune. Indeed it was so sad being on the bed with full makeup and hair done. Anyway, now I'm better than Saturday, but still feel ache on my back and wrist when I move even slightly.

And today, after exam I stopped  over BBVA for withdrawing money, and I found 400 euros on the ATM machine with a bill. Somebody must have forgotten to bring the money after taking out card, and hadn't come back. I was being tempted for an instance, (because I had spent lot of money last month..) but soon took it out and brought it to bank windows. After that I thought, "if I hadn't handed it something bad would be happen to me to repay this". Time to have positive thinking. Even I can tell it gonna be work or not. 

A contemplation about human nature on the wrong side

If someone ask you how you think about yourself, what will you answer? Or, do you think you're able to reply on it immediately? It's very short and simple question but I'm sure it'll take a plenty of time until you find a proper answer. Sometimes I ask it to myself, and as I'm kind of moody person it depends on the situation in which I am. 

Today, I asked it again, and my answer was "so frustrated". Frustrated in all my attempts to maintain my own world calm and peaceful, frustrated with the circumstance that didn't let me shut my mouth and keep the words, frustrated by people who never stop talking of the others. As I'm Buddhist, I always try to be calm and listen to the others without specific prejudice even though they're criticize me or my friends severely by being different. It doesn't matter for me because I have own firm faith about myself to get through all those things make me shake my resolution. But it doesn't mean I never get hurt. I'm so vulnerable and have got lots of scars by human relationship, despite of all the effort  that I provide in order not to get injured. Fortunately, I'm positive enough to overcome all of it. 

Anyway, I've been so exploded recently, especially today. Everything that existed around me were so annoying and made me sick and tired, I couldn't get rid of it even keep it away with hours of meditation. Instead, I had to persevere all day thinking another good things would happen to me in the future. However, when I got back home, the future which I had expected to make me happy also had let me down. So down. 

Is it evil the human nature? Why do we try everything which can make the others feel disappointed and powerless against their lives? Why can't we keep our mouth shut even for a while? Why everyone wants know about the other's personal secret and likes to spread a rumor about it with no sure? Why is it so important how to live the others and why don't we think about how to live our lives more happily?

One last question, when you've got lost everything that you had by your venom against your friends, how are you gonna excuse about it? That's so sad, really, so sad. I need more meditation, a very long one, maybe an eternal one. 

The difference between Amor and Cariño

Sometimes I realize that I'm too realistic to be beloved. That's why I'm still single, despite of all the facts that drive me into a relationship. To become someone's beloved, I'm too into my little box and always think about the consequence first that will be made. Once when I showed myself completely, and when the relationship finished, it was like to have bombed out my head and somewhere in my mind even thought I wasn't in love. It's more like to be betrayed by someone. As it was a horrible experience and took a long time to recover the injury, I used to deny what I felt, reject the hand given by the others to warm my heart. However, since I decided to change myself I usually demonstrate what I feel, what I think about the others, especially when I'm with him, hoping something inside me gonna change for the better.

But now, I can't tell that was good to have done that. Maybe I was too unripe and too rash to show myself. Or, maybe my being honest became into being too frickin' innocent, giving him a margin to penetrate into my life without having any doubt about his words. I always tried to believe just what I was feeling, seeing and receiving, no matter how fool I've been seem. And I believed that I was doing well, for me, and for him. Sometimes I had to keep silence for a long time in order not to lie to my friends about what was happening between us, because it made them too stressful. Sometimes I had to be as if I didn't exist on the air so as not to bother his own life. During a period, there was no single place that I could stay feeling at ease because I couldn't tell anyone about my real emotion. And it made me be totally a mute especially when I was in front of him. I didn't wanna tell him no single piece of my feeling and I'm sure it made him feel uncomfortable enough, once he told me that he felt like an idiot because he didn't know at all what to do when he was with me.

Um, knowing what to do when you're in a awkward situation is a quite difficult thing. The questions is, why did I make the situation awkward? It's because I thought it would be finished soon the connection between us. So I didn't expected anything else from our situation, such as love or real relationship. I just wanted to be with somebody not to feel lonely. Certainly there is a part of loneliness that can't be fulfilled by friendship, or by familly, and I wanted to get it over passing time with him. Now I know it was a bad decision. It was really bad bad decision. As time goes on, I've become attached to this situation, to him, knowing something is definitely wrong between our fake relationship. It made me more thirsty for the real things, at the same time I was losing the trust about the fact that the love exists. I couldn't feel in love, but didn't wanna put this down because of the CARIÑO (affection in Spanish, it sounds better for me) that I have got.

However, we all know it will be terminated in the course of time. And we're walking down two different road by the consequence of what we've done. I think, I'm in the unbound side, which is headed to the open end, and I wonder which road he is walking along. I guess it is closed the end of that road, because of lots of fact that I can't tell exactly what they are. Is it possible he changes direction? Or should I find another way in order not to hurt myself again? A question without a solution, and never finishes.