Ultimately I'm being lazy, more than ever. Nope, I can't tell I'm lazy, just got thousands things to do so didn't have enough time to care about my blog, whatever.
Last weekend was long enough for me, although I just did sleep and drink, watch the Simpsons. That's all I did since last Friday. By the way, where do I start the story? If you've read my latest posts, you might know that this blog is more personal than usual, when I started this I wanted to make some advice or give some helpful information for other Asian people who live in Spain, anyway, in spite of my trying this blog has became my diary... I don't like that but I need somebody who listens me what I'm thinking, I don't mind whoever it is.
It might sound strange to start like this : I got a tattoo on my right wrist, which is written in old roman letter "BE STRONG". That's one of my motto. I always try to be strong and I think I am strong enough, owing to all the things which I had experimented that I can't talk about. Nevertheless, sometimes I feel myself so tiny and weak, and this feeling makes me be pressed. If you ask me why, I don't know how to explain nor how to persuade you to understand me. Just I don't like people see me frail. So I always pretend as if I didn't mind anything, (but the majority of time I don't really mind or feel anything whether it's good for me or not. Not interested at all.) and didn't feel anything.
However, as I'm a part of human being, if I say I don't feel anything that's probably lie. Of course I got a thousand kinds of feeling, besides I got a hard mood swing thanks to my bipolar. Fortunately the most of time I'm in a good mood, or version Mania, I think the percentage of Mania that I got is almost 90%, and there is the rest of 10% depressive. My emotion is like a volcano, it possesses itself until it arrives to the point to erupt, than makes a huge eruption for a while. That moment I'm always suffering anorexia or insomnia. After finishing everything it goes back to normal state than keeps calm again. I'm sure some of you guys have the same symptom as I got.
Return to the point, recently there are a plenty of guys who wanna break my wall, I don't know what the hell kind of intention do they have, the truth is it's not a big deal for me, but it's started bothering me. Don't wanna have some serious thing with anyone, so I just try to enjoy my life on my own, and it has been going well as I thought until yesterday. Last night finally one of those guys broke the wall and tried to spy out my secret. I knew this would happen someday but it came sooner than I'd predicted, and I got so angry by the idea that I shouldn't have loosen myself like that. Ludicrously after seeing my being angry and frustrated he tried to tell me something to cool down my temper, soon it ended in failure because he was telling me exactly the same thing which had been told by the other one 2 years ago, by my ex. When my ex told me those words, I received a strong impression that he was the one who I could trust, and who could make me feel be loved for the first time in my life. Anyway, he wasn't the one.
I don't know how long I have to be wandering around the world to find my half, the only certain thing is it's not a thing which can be found, there is no way except waiting patiently until it comes to me. What is worse, sadly I'm not a believer in Love. What am I made for? Why I don't feel like falling in love? Why doesn't my heart beat when I'm with someone who is believed my lover? It's next to impossible for me to answer these questions. It really does.
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