No surprises (or no anorexia)

In this days I can't eat well, maybe it's better saying that I almost do not eat at all, I extend my life only drinking orange juice or taking a small bit of chocolates.. This symptoms has started since last week, I've thought that it would pass me soon like the other days, because it had usually occured to me since I was fifteen. However, at those moments I always got a plenty of excuses to explain the situation but not today. I can't tell why I got this horrible anorexia again and when it finishes, just try so hard to put something into my mouth not to be fainted, so as to survive. I've already lost 3 kg for 4 days and need to make one more hole in my belt, it's getting loose.

Anyway today is my first day at school in 2011. As I had to cheer myself little bit up I ate some cereal for breakfast, but it couldn't help me dealing with the study for 6 hours at class. So at the coffee breaks I went to a cafe which I usually go with my classmates. It was unlikely that I could even drink something, but I ordered a cup of coffee and drank it although I didn't want it at all, because it seemed like it was my duty doing that, indeed.

I understand that I have to eat more, and I'm not proud of losing weight. I know this is just my problem and I made all of this from somewhere deep down in my mind. Nevertheless it's really bothering me eating something, I don't even want to drink water, how fantastic! I feel hungry but don't wanna eat anything at all, what's wrong with me? I feel totally empty both in the head and the stomach. Without eating I could hardly think things that happen to me.... Now I don't even know what I'm doing here, and why I'm doing this. There is a huge confusion in my mind. If I keep this state I'll no longer be able to wake up in the morning.

After coming back home from school I prepared a bowl of tuna salad with olive, (the truth is I had enough food in the refrigerator) and it took almost 2 hours until I finished it. What's in my mind? Why I deny and don't respect myself like this? I now perceive that I am so frickin' stupid. I'm getting things that could ruin lives besides the anorexia. I should conquer this desperate situation on my own, knowing that, however I need somebody to save me from this agony. Indeed, I need somebody badly. Every time when I feel this I let me down more and more by the thought that I'm not strong enough to live through. Whatever, whatever I'm doing now I should stop it.

It's time to make some change.