20190228, Thursday

Today I re-published agian all the post from the past that I had left as draft. Do not know why, just I felt like doing it when I saw the post in draft menu. They looked so lonely, they are fragments of my past memories that I stupidly decided to ignore as if they never happened, but I finally understood that I left them here because I wanted to remember them. Without past there is no present. They were my foodsteps to arrive to this day and I have duty to keep them alive so they could make a path to tomorrow.

20181213, Thursday

The week with my family went so fast. However, I truly appreciate their visit and am full of positive energy again.

After their leaving, I took again the embroidery work, and it happened....

I was working with new flower embroidery, and Aitor arrived from work. He asked me to try on new clothes which delivered in the morning, to see how it fit me. After some minutes, I realized that I left the needles and threads on the desk, and when I came back Mandú and Dubu was playing with them, and there was one needle missing.

I hoped to find it on the floor but wasn't so lucky... although we were not sure that Mandú ate it, we tried to contact the vet to consult what to do, and he was not available. We found some info on Internet that people say we must give Mandú white asparragoes, which could protect his stomach from the needle until we bring him to the vet the next morning.

So, I tortured the poor cat feeding the whole bottle of white asparragoes (of course he hated it) hoping that he did not swallow the needle, and today morning, as soon as the vet opened the clinic I made a call. He sent me to the another clinic near Barceloneta market to take a X-ray and see if he really ate the needle.

And.. yes, he did it. It was inside his stomach, but fortunately did not go further thanks to the asparragoes fibres which surrounded it and hold it still. They recommended me a small operation to take it off, and after a while thinking what to do, I decided to go with it. They took Mandú and I came back, and finished the embroidery waiting for the news.

Finally, the vet sent me a message that everything went well and Mandú is taking a rest, and I could pick him up at 19:00 pm.

Thanks world! Although it costs me a lot of money, at least I am happy to know that my cat is now safe.

So, this is the embroidery that costs me 600 euros.

20180929, Thursday

I am so existed. In 2 hours, my mom and brother will arrive to Barcelona.

It has been 2 years since I saw her for the last time (last year I could only invite my little brother who never had been to Spain and he was having a hard time), I could not sleep at all last night.

It will be a great 8 days with them, it is a pity that my Aita (my stepfather who raised us) could not come together this time.

I am baking a welcoming pound cake since both of them really like my baking, despite of the fact that I am really bad at. However, baking cakes for my beloved family always makes me so happy and full of gratitude, so hopefully it comes out okay.

It looks that also Mandú (my 1st cat) is exited, too. He is with me all the morning, watching how I prepare for my family's visiting.

20181128, Wednesday

Here is the footage of my recent works.

20180919, Wednesday

It has been now 3 weeks since I took the official sick-leave. Still have 3 more weeks to think about what to do in the closest future.

I've finally learnt that it is not a clever move to believe someone's goodwill when you are in a crisis. They only care their own benefits and no-one will remember how you helped them and suffered to do that. No one takes care about your injuries when you sacrifice yourself for the others, they only see it as another chance to take advantage of your goodness and manipulate your brain, and make you think that you have done it wrong so you deserve this pain.

When I realized it I felt so lonely, so alone in this world. There was no margin in my head to think about my family, friends who really love me and care about me, all the pain I had to bear just blinded my mind and I was only focused on how the others hurt me and it hurt so much, I wanted to finish it.

I was a fool. I should've ask for help as soon as this started. The false belief that I was strong enough to handle my crisis and the surroundings, made the situation worse, all the decisions I took pushed me in a black hole without exit.

When I screamed for a help with my last breath, he took my hand, his family, and mine, too. My friends who I didn't want to bother with my personal crisis, offers me to help. I was not alone, I was too busy by unimportant things and by people who do not consider me as a another human being to respect, to see with a clear mind what I actually got here.

I learnt after 32 years, that if you are suffering by people who does not love you, there is no need to cry about it. Just ignore them. It is only important the voice of people who love you, worry about you, care how you feel and who will fight with you. There are millions and millions people on the earth and you do not even exist for them. So, do not let your soul wander because some valueless voice tells you that you are wrong. Be strong, be wise. I can overcome anything.

20180613, Wednesday

Finally I am seeing the end of this work. I started this 4 months ago, with the idea that it would help me calm down.

It works, and it does not work. Every stitch is a single memory of everything.

So I think about all, at the same time trying not to think about anything. This continuous and endless fight inside me creates more tenacious work here.

When the flowers are in full bloom and the moon is risen I may have a inner peace.

Bloom me.


Updates.
Here is the finished embroidery work.

20180611, Monday

Today I deleted my Facebook account, undone the deletion twice, and finally deactivated it instead of eliminating it permanently. So indecisive I am even with a matter of a simple social media account.

It's been a long and hard day, I kept looking my mobile phone screen and there was no single message. After few awkward meetings with my new boss, who used to be a friend but now became quite uncomfortable and only business-related relationship after the most egoistic decision he made, I was literally knackered, because my mind is full of hatred against their justification, their mean words - everything is okay because they are being honest with their feelings. I totally disagree. Many of the cases, being honest with your feelings causes injury on the other side. Being honest only with your feelings means that you do not care what I would feel after knowing yours or do not even care if I wanted to know or not.

It gets harder and harder to keep myself sane. My soul is made of so fragile material and so many cracks it has, despite of all effort to be positive and see things as they are, not from my dark perception, I am on the edge of my limit.

The month of May reminded me the first time I was touched by a guy I never wanted. Also the guy who was obsessed with the idea that I would be his and did not want me to live. Also, the guy who never learnt how to love the other and was always drunk and violent. I remembered harming myself in a dark room. I remember the face of my friend Gom, crying and holding my hand full with cut wounds, trying to cover them with character band-aid. I remember going up to the rooftop wishing if I had enough courage to jump into the eternal sleep. I remember remembering my mother's and my brother's sad face and being scattered on the rooftop floor. 

I thought it was all over, that I was in a safe place and I was strong enough to overcome what happened in my poor 20's, and it would never repeat.

Last month, after a disgusting voice mail from an anonymous (now no longer anonymous but I can't do anything) human being, and after my ex-friend/colleague who still have a family with children declared his feeling against me, and even after one of the most trusted  friend tried to touch me and in some way he achieved his goal because I was so relaxed and drunken since never expected this would happen, I fell again into the pit where I used to spend time in darkness.

Did not give all details to you because I did not want you suffer and I was also too afraid that you'd accuse me for what I did not do anything wrong. We were already had enough issues between us so I did not want to turn this into a big fire. Did I do the right thing? Now you do not understand me why I suffer so much and the fire is getting bigger it desperates us.

Meanwhile, the group of hienas are trying to bite me, saying that I provoked and played with their feelings, and I am a bad person so I must admit it, when the only thing I did was BEING MYSELF. So easy to turn themselves into a victim in a sudden way when they are the one who stabbed and still have the knife with my warm blood on both hands.

I do not feel well, I feel like leaving to a place where no one knows me and just disappear. This world sucks, people are the worst, I am so lost.

20180610, Sunday

I keep wondering what would have happened if my grandma is still alive. We would be probably not so close as we are right now. Strange story, she does not belong to this world and I could feel her everywhere as if she became a part of my soul.

Buddhism is one of the heritage she left me when she passed away. I never thought about it in my 24-years-old life (it is already 7 years ago) and when I faced her sudden death that no one from my family was prepared for, I tried so hard to find connection between us, and realized that there was any.

That was the moment I choosed her religion, so we would be connected in any ways and keep her memories alive.

Today I though a lot about her, what would she tell if she sees me. She, despite I never visited her except by the obligation until she got Alzheimer in her 90's, knew me very well. At least, that was the feeling I got. She knew that I was not made to be tied in a small country and persuaded my mother to let me fly away. Who would ever know, she was in her 90's, with Alzheimer and cancer, but had more clear mind than anyone.

Her picture is always on my neck, she keeps me alive, she makes me feel protected. After her death, she became the light on my path. So ironic, we never had a decent conversation while we were there, but after her death, we became best friend.

I would like to know, what would have happened if she had been here next to me. I miss her lullaby with the soft patting on the stomach. I miss her reading scriptures in clumsy way. I miss her white hair and her summer hats. I miss her small room with tidy closet. I miss being free and alive as she wanted me to be.

8. 내 쉴 곳 그 어디인가

사는것은 투쟁의 연속이라고 누군가가 말했던가. 불필요한 욕심을 버리고 첩첩산중에서 도 닦고 살지 않는 이상은 계속 부딪힘의 연속, 그 고리를 끊는 것은 스스로의 고립 혹은 삶의 절단이라 해야 하나.

남들이 부러워할만한 위치에서 일을 하고 남 부럽지 않은 사회 생활을 누리고 있으면 이제 행복할 때도 되었는데, 쌓여가는건 스트레스와 우울증 뿐이니, 이쯤 되면 주변이 아닌 내가 문제가 있다는게 정확한 진단이렷다.

10대에 꿈꾸던 20대를 살았고 같은 또래들보다 더 누릴 수 있는 30대로 접어들었으나 하루 하루 남는 것은 공허함 뿐이다. 영원한 이방인으로 살아간다는 것이 아마 그 공허함의 토대가 아닐까 싶다. 그러나 이제는 내 나라에 돌아가도 이방인이 되는 처지, 그 어디에도 내가 마음 놓고 머리를 뉘일 자리는 없다.

원효대사 해골물, 사람 일은 마음먹기에 달려 있다고 하지만 그런 원효대사도 자신이 감미롭게 마신 새벽녘의 물이 썩은 해골에 담긴 오수라는 것을 알고 나서는 구토를 하였으니, 이 이야기의 결론은 아무리 도 닦고 잘난 이라고 해도 물체의 본질을 알고 나서는 답이 없다... 라고 해도 좋을것이다.

나는 나의, 내 주변의 본질을 알고 있기 때문에, 행복해 질 수가 없는 것일지도 모른다. 모든걸 훌훌 털어 버리고 철새마냥 가야 할 곳을 찾아서 날아가기 전 까지는 이 생활의 연속일 것이다. 연을 끊고 날아갈 의지와 용기가 과연 나에게 주어진 선물에 포함이 되어 있을까. 갈수록 생각이 많아지는 요즘.. 하면 할수록 독이 되어 영혼을 갉아먹는 생각들.

7. 뫼비우스의 띠

또 다시 돌고 돌아 원점에 도착하였다. 이쯤 되면 둘 중의 하나는 지쳐 떨어져 나가야 하는데, 우린 너무 멍청하다 못해 상대방이 먼저 지치기를 기다리며 방어 없는 공격을 주고받아 이미 몸도 마음도 만신창이인 상황이다. 

사랑한다는 말을 해 본 것이 언제인가. 만 4년 만에 이리 쉽게 식는 것이 사랑이었던가. 서로를 있는 그대로의 모습으로 마음에 담고 보듬어 주는 것이 이렇게 힘든 일이었던가. 

언젠가부터 내 속에 부글부글 끓어 오르는 분노가 점점 내 머리를 통제하려 하고 있다. 예전에는 웃어 넘겼을 사소한 것 까지 발화점이 되며 시시때때로 폭발하는 것이 일상이 되어, 언젠가 통제권을 잃게 되면 정말 심각한 일이 벌어지지 않을 까 하는 두려움이 자라나고 있다. 

한편으로는, 이런 상황까지 나를 몰고 온 것이 그인지, 아님 내 스스로가 이렇게 생겨 먹은 것인지 구분할 능력을 잃어 버렸다. 모든 요소들이 뒤엉켜 '나너우리'의 구분을 융해시키고 '너너너'로 변질되어, 모든 잘못의 시발점은 내가 아닌 '너'인 것으로 결론이 난다. 

이렇게 던진 화살은 맞바람을 타고 다시 돌아 내 목을 관통하고, 피를 토하며 그 화살을 다시 뽑아 기어이 너의 심장을 후벼 파는 나는, 대체 어디서부터 뒤틀린 사람인걸까. 

누구 하나 속시원히 털어 놓을 사람도 없어 여기에 혼자 끄적거리는 내 스스로가 작고 볼품이 없다. 

6. 반복 학습은 효과가 없다

어릴적부터 ㄱㅁ 혹은 ㄴㄴㅇ 등의 학습지를 하다 보면, 이해성 위주 보다는 반복 학습 위주로 교재가 구성이 되어 있었다. 대개는 한두권 정도 풀고 나면 질려서 손을 놓기 마련이었는데, 그럴때면 몇달 치 밀린 학습지를 보다 못해 화가 난 엄마가 남은 학습지를 모두 가져다 버리는 참사가 발생하곤 하였다.

반복 학습은 내게는 아무런 효과가 없다. 쉽게 질리는 성격의 나는 한번 이해하고 넘어가면 끝! 의 방식이 훨씬 효과적이므로..

여기서 발생하는 또 하나의 문제는, 반복되는 싸움 및 변하지 않는 서로의 모습.

우리는 참으로 멍청해서 같은 일로 반복해서 싸우지만 또 다시 같은 실수를 반복한다. 이제는 질릴 때도 되었건만.. 실수에서 배우기는 커녕 그 정도가 점점 심해지고 있다.

배우지 못하는 자를 끊어 낼 것인가, 아니면 스스로에게도 적용하지 못하는 진득함을 배워 설리번 선생 마냥 양 손을 쥐어 물에 수천번 담궈가며 '물!' 소리를 할 때 까지 기다릴 것인가.

참을 인자 세번에 살인도 면한다지만 삼백번 하고 나면 내가 홧병으로 죽지 않을까...

5. We are young

모든것의 시작은 아름답다. 그러나 그 끝이 아름답다고는 그 누구도 말해주지 않았다.

우리에게도 한 때는 아침마다 '둘 만의 주제가'를 들으며 낮간지러운 단어들을 주고받던 적이 있었다. 매일같이 함께 눈 뜨는 아침이 아름답고 달콤하기 그지없던 시간들이었다고 나는 기억한다. 함께 있다는 사실만으로도 걷는 한 걸음 걸음, 손가락 발가락 끝마디까지 사랑의 노래가 흘러 넘치는 시간이었다.

어느 순간부터 달콤했던 단어들은 지친 한숨으로 변질되었고, 그 들숨 날숨이 성에처럼 얼어붙어 서로의 가슴에 칼날같은 상처를 남기기 시작했다.

처음에는 너무도 아프고 죽을것만 같던 그 상처들이, 반복에 반복을 거듭하다 보니 아무렇지도 않게 느껴지기 시작했다. 그리 변해가는 서로의 모습을 보면서, 어떻게 하면 나보다 더 아프게, 고통스럽게 할 수 있을까 하는 마음을 가지기에 이르렀던 적도 있다.

나의 이런 적대심을 상대방이 눈치를 채었을 때, 그는 정말 깊은 상처를 받은 듯 했다. 그때 나는 알아차렸다. 우리는 더 이상은 같은 길을 바라볼 수가 없겠구나.

그의 상처보다는 이미 익숙해 진 이 관계가 변해버리는 것이 더 두려웠던 나는, 스스로가 정당화 시킨 이기심을 사랑인 마냥 포장하여 이 관계를 '회복'하려 노력했다.

진심이 아닌 노력은 통하지 않는다. 내가 말하던 언어는 그가 알아들을 수 있는 사랑의 언어가 아니었다. 나는 다른 사람을 나 스스로보다 더 사랑할 수 있는 심장을 가지고 있지 않다.

자기 자신에게 사랑에 빠져 호숫가에서 굶어 죽은 나르시스, 그게 나의 머지 않은 미래처럼 느껴지는게, 단지 나만의 생각은 아닐 듯 하다.

아직 너는 젊다. 라고 조언을 한다. 젊기 때문에 얼마든지 다른 기회를 얻을 수 있다. 라고 얘기를 한다. 젊음과 나이 듦 사이에 과연 차이가 있을까. 십대의 열기에 죽을듯이 타들어가던 심장은, 삼십대에 이르렀다고 해서 전혀 무뎌지지 않았다. 다만 예전처럼 쉽게 그 상처가 겉으로 드러나지 않을 뿐이다. 사람의 감정이 백살이 넘었다고 무뎌질까. 단지 살면서 상처를 남들이 볼 수 없도록 감추는 재주가 늘어나는 것 뿐이다.

나는 아직 젊다. 그러나 나는 아주 많이 지쳤다.

4.

오랫만에 진지한 글.

Tudela를 떠나 Barcelona에 정착한 지 정확히 일년 만에, 다시 Tudela로 돌아간다. 사람 일은 정말 한치 앞을 모르는 거라는 그 말이 실감나는 순간이다.

많은 고민 끝에 그래도 쉽게 결정을 내린 듯 하다. 안정적이지만 미래에도 변화 없이 안정적이기만 할 생활과, 불투명하지만 노력하면 미래에는 더 나아질 생활 사이에서, 사실 고민하는 것 자체가 부질없는 일.

주변에서는 모두 이해가 가지 않는다는 반응이라, 왠지 어리둥절하다. 아직 세상은 안정적인 삶을 정답으로 여기는가 보다.

다행히 그는 내 결정을 존중해 주고, 함께 기뻐해 주었다. 일년동안 함께 만들어 온 우리 집과 고양이 두 마리를 데리고 주말마다 나를 기다리고 있을 그의 모습에 벌써 마음이 아련해온다.

많은 것을 뒤로 남기고 돌아가는 길이 될 것이다. 일년 전, 더 많은 것을 얻기 위해 떠나온 그 길을 그대로, 얻은 것을 모두 내려놓고 걸어 돌아간다.

8월 내내 스페인을 떠나 한국 및 일본을 여행하기로 계획한 것이, 마침 시기적으로 잘 맞아 떨어진다. 바쁘게 여기 저기 다니다 보면 마음 정리가 더 빠르게 될 지도 모르겠다.

이년 반의 주말 연인, 일년 일개월의 동거 이후 다시 기약 없는 주말 연인으로 돌아간다. 나를 믿고 지지해 주는 그의 마음이 고맙지만 이 인연이 어디까지 갈 수 있을지 불안함이 앞선다.

다 잘 될 거라고 스스로에게 다시 한번 되뇌어 본다.

3.

세상은 넓고 쓰레기는 많다.

소셜 네트워크의 장점이 라고도 할 수 있는 '내가 바로 쓰레기요' 옵션 덕분에 본인들이 스스로를 노출 시키며 예전보다 쉽게 알아 차리고 차단 한 번으로 피해갈 수 있는 반면, 보고 싶 지 않아도 마우스 스크롤 도중 우연히 이 오염 물질에 노출 되는 단점 또한 존재한다 (쓰레기 안본 눈 삽니 다).

길에서 만난 쓰레기에게는 주저 없이 후추 스프 레이를 시전할 수 있듯, 온라인 상에서도 시전 가능 한 퇴치 도구가 시급한 현실이다. 칙! 하고 뿌리면(또 는 클릭하면) 해당 인물의 프로필에 매콤한 스프레이 자국이 남는 그런 프로그램을 개발할 거기 누구 없소

2.

누가 시작했는지는 모르겠지만, ‘군중 속의 고독’ 이라는 말을 처음으로 시작한 사람의 외로움은 어떤 것이었을지 짐작이 간다.

I have no idea who started or invented the saying: solitude in crowd, but maybe understand how they felt when they describe their feeling in this way.

1.

When you slightly doubt about your or his love, maybe there's still time to try again. When you feel the love is gone in your or his heart, maybe that's the moment to pack your things.

I can not tell which one is mine.

After exact three years, because yesterday was our third anniversary together, I can feel something is leaving us, I'm afraid to tell it's our love which is leaving, but maybe yes, it's time to make a decision for both of us.

I'm so confused since I never doubt we'd be together for the rest of our lives, that's why I quit my previous job and moved on to settle myself.

Now everthing is so unclear. There's a black cloud on the path where I could see the end of it before, now I'm not even able to tell if I'm still on the same path.

Be calm, I was always alone before I met him. It's been only three years of my life. Have a clear thought and take all the necessary time to think about it.

What I really afraid about is, I won't be able to start another relationship because I reallized I'm a terrible person and of course not good enough to be with another.

If only all this was a dream..

破愛

I didn't know what was wrong. He got so angry and left me alone at the door.

Now theres no one here listen to my story, no more. So I choose you. Random you. 

I don´t mind if you judge me, the only thing I need is someone to listen to my story. 

After he's gone, I left alone at the door crying for a while. I felt miserable, desperate, confused and hopeless. He may call me as 'Drama Queen' again. But this is me. I´m this kind of person who are not able to let the grief go easily. 

This doesn't mean we've broken up. He will come back later and I will be back after 9 hours work. We'll probably pretend there's nothing happened this morning as always we do, keeping what really happened this morning in mind. 

He told me, that if I'm not happy, then I should have known what to do. I know what I should do in that case, that's the last thing I want. I don't know how he feels. If he find out this blog, will he be angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? I can't imagine it, I'm just afraid of it. My people shouldn't realize that this exists. Maybe I should have started another blog, deleting this forever. This had been forgotten for more than 3 years, so I thought this should be safe to write down my feelings without being frightened to be found. 

I told him that we wouldn't last one year in this way, it bothered him too much, he answered me that we wouldn't last not even one month if I behaved like this. I was trying to make things right, if my way was so wrong... but why? I don't understand. I'm just confused and afraid, got lost, don't know what to do. 

I prepared his lunch crying. That was the only thing I could do for the moment. I didn't want him to be angry with me. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to be alone again. But this feels so wrong. I've never imagined my life this miserable. I know it's me who's making myself miserable. So should I change again? How? I feel so weak that I start to hate myself. 

I tried to call my psychologist, Elena, but it seemed she was busy. She told she would get back to me in three hours. Later she called but I didn't pick up the call because I knew the answer she would give me. Leave him. Let yourself free. She's the kind of person, who has their own opinion and never let the others to decide when she thinks it's correct for her. She helped me to leave the previous work, which was practically killing me. She helped me to decide to move on, to start the life together here in Barcelona because that was the only thing I wanted. So I avoided her after asking for help because I didn't want to hear the answer. So coward I am. I started to hate myself. 

There are so many things of mine, so many stupid things of mine that bother him so much. Annoy him. Upset him. And I haven't changed at all, I forget he hates them every time I repeat those things. Maybe I need to check my head? He says this is a matter of interest. I'm not interest in his words, so I do the same thing. Impossible. His words are one of the important things in my life, but I have no excuses, because I forget his words every time I repeat things that upset him. No excuses. All my reasons to justify that there's a reason why I do that, are just excuses. I have no excuses for that, either. Why is he so strict with me? He may be just tired of me. Sick of me. Because I do the very same thing he told not. He's lack of tolerance for me. I wasted them all doing stupid things that I shouldn't do. The stupid things that nobody had told me they were stupid in my whole life. 

I blame the different culture we have. I blame that he's a guy and I'm a woman. I blame myself for being so Drama Queen. Maybe this is nothing, I'm just overeating, I apologize him and he left without looking me in the eye. If he finds this he will laugh at me, saying that I'm overacting again. That's not fair. I don't want this any more. 

He should know I have nobody here in Spain, only him. He should know that he's the only one who can actually listen to me, take care of me, love me.. He loves me but he doesn't have more patience to listen to my story. SO HE LEFT. My words are just sprouted here in a random space to random listeners. This doesn't feel correct. This makes me so angry that I can't help crying again. I'm so weak.. I never used to be this weak.. Why is it so hurt? Why being together has to be a bitter pill? 

If only...

Suddenly I feel like writing down all the 'if only's here so they will be erased from my head.

If only I had continued with the band.
If only I had started to learn languages since I was very young.
If only I had gone to Germany after finishing the school.
If only I had traveled around the world instead of studying at the university.
If only I had not met those people so we wouldn't hurt each others.
If only I had been more careless that I wouldn't care about all of that.
If only I hadn't come back to Spain.
If only I hadn't left Tudela.
If only I had traveled back to Korea when I had to choose.
If only my family had come to live with me here in Spain.
If only I had made another decision.

The 2nd era of my life

I moved to Barcelona. It was a big decision for me, I had to leave my comfortable life behind - which includes my job that I was about to change my status from a temporary to a permanent.

Anyways, the first thought I had when I had a final decision was, I came here to Spain with bare hands. Why am I afraid of being a bare hands again? Was it because of my age - that I'm 4 years older than what I was? Or did I get used to this economical comfortability?

So I moved into a small flat located in the heart of Born, Barcelona. Now we are living together for the 1st time of our lives. I said him this would be the 2nd era of our life - it may have sounded so oily but it's true, we had lived individually for more than 20 years to each one's own way. There will be a lot of things we need to arrange properly in order to make this union be on the right path.

I need to find new job here, I hope it won't be difficult as the market says. I'm also thinking to start studying again. There are so many things I want to do with all the free time I got for the moment, first of all, it will be necessary to take a rest then give some priorities to finding new job.

The sunflower I brought from Tudela bursted today as if it celebrates our new starting. 

There are still things need to be moved from my old flat, it will be done within a week, I think. I feel like organizing our new flat!

The storm inside of me

Tomorrow I have the 2nd driving license test. I must be studying right now.

However, the test server's been down since this evening, and this is a nice excuse not to press myself no more, I've been studying for already 3 hours today. Hope this be enough.

Currently I'm being more strange than ever, confusing, stressed out, a bit depressed but at the same time, trying to be more positive than ever, too. If I define my status in one word, what would it be? A chaos? A contradiction?

My days are consisting of counting from one to ten and breathing deeply every seconds. When I get some free time, I try not to be in crowd, find a place where I can only listen the birds singing, leaves moving gently in the breeze, and no one cares even I'm lying on the ground. This calms me down effectively and recharges the positive energy so as I can stand in this storm one week more.

Being in a group of people depressed, frustrated and expecting no future is not easy at all. When I'm not afford to recharge energy during weekend, I just get burnt out before Monday ends. As my position in the work is to encourage, collaborate with people and improve the system we have. It's difficult to overcome a prejudice especially you're new in a gang, and that's what I exactly do: to fight against the fixed idea they have established during 3 years since the starting of this company.

Anyway, step by step. I've decided to give free korean class to my colleagues after Easter week vacation. There are already several applicants for it. Will this be the 1st step for a change? Could I contribute something to our lives? I don't know yet.